For many months, people have anxiously awaited Cloverfield... apparently the preview screening had people searched for recording equipment and people roving the aisles with night vision equipment. All suitably in line with the viral campaign that got the hype for this film sky high.

In retrospect, it's fairly obvious that the reason for this secrecy was for a single reason... they didn't want people to realise that it was rubbish. Although, that probably shouldn't come as a surprise when it's produced by the man behind Lost and Alias... It's been said already but bears saying again - this film can be summed up in the following sentence - Godzilla meets Blair Witch.

It really is that simple. Actually, to be fair - The Blair Witch Project was better because it was an original concept at the time... and of course, used two cameras and had the people using said cameras for a reason - that reason being they were making a documentary. In Cloverfield, it doesn't really make much sense... Ok, the guy is videoing the party... I'm fairly sure that when it comes down to a life and death situation - you don't keep that camera rolling regardless... you drop it and get the hell out of there. Perhaps it's conceivable that you'd want to document the Godzilla wannabe but why you'd feel it necessary to keep the camera on constantly and such seems a trifle idiotic. It's also worth noting that if you felt motion sickness during Blair Witch - it's going to be worse with this.

What about the much touted monster? As it turns out, earlier speculation of a "Whalezilla" was way off... which is a shame because that design was a lot more interesting than the design they used here... not that you really get more than a couple of good looks at the thing... sure, less can be more but here it was just... barely anything. With Godzilla, you can accept the ability to shrug off an entire country's firepower. With the Cloverfield monster, it doesn't even look like it could support itself - let alone survive a few dozen bombing runs from the USAF. Hell, you can tell your designer sucked more than a legion of quantum singularity powered super whores when some joker on the internet makes a better design in his free time than the professional you got to do a piss poor rip-off of the monster in Godzilla 2000.

As if a poor man's Godzilla teleporting around the city to menace our shaky handed hero isn't enough, the creature in question has a bunch of mini-monsters on it. They're not particularly original either. Somewhere between a bug from Starship Troopers and an angry woodlouse. They're there for the occasional fright and to put in a more pervasive sense of danger... After all, something of roughly human size can sneak up on you a lot more than something big enough to punch the face off the Statue of Liberty. Kind of a cheap way of adding more excitement... in much the same way never showing the monster was a cheap way of making this film.

It's funny. This film is... probably worse than the American Godzilla film. At least that gave you money shots and such. This is just a Blair Witch clone with a monster instead of a witch... And it can't claim originality... It can certainly claim to have generated a hilarious amount of hype... but hype is about all it's good for. The inevitable sequel may well fall in Blair Witch 2 territory but then... at the same time, it would be hard pressed to suck more.

All in all, coming in at LESS than 90 minutes - this isn't value for money. It doesn't even get close to a good way to pass time from now unto death. If you want motion sickness though, this would be great.

It's a matter of public record that if you want to bollox up a good idea - you give it to Paul WS Anderson. Hence the first AvP being a kid friendly waste of time that was more critically slammed than a bearded, kiddy fiddlin' murderer. Despite that, it did OK at the box office - despite an idiotic concept.

As it happens, Alien vs. Predator: Requiem - aka AVP:R - doesn't have much to do with Paul Anderson... and is also rather good. What a coincidence! AvP doesn't really waste any time, following on directly from the end of the previous film... Predalien included. Despite the obvious idiocy of the Predators taking one of their fallen comrades on board without checking to see if he had a xenomorph embryo in him, it gets things going post haste. The Predalien gets loose and promptly, makes the Predator ship crash. A ship chock full of facehuggers. Which quickly find a couple of unwitting hunters to impregnate.

Billy Administrator Predator on Predator World has his "something has bolloxed up" alarm go off. Has a hissy fit and jumps in his "emergency fix it" space ship... as you do. Given that the purpose of the mission seems to be to exterminate, it's surprising only one person goes... also, whatever happened to their self-destruct? If Billy's bud on Earth had just blown up, it would all have been over... As would the film.

To pass some time, we see something about the peaceful life in Nowheresville. Which involves jocks beating up people they aren't fond of. Shortly after that, the father and son hunters who were face hugged get to birth some chestbursters. After about five minutes... actually, probably a bit longer. Not quite the insta-burst of AvP but neither the more realistic. Anyway, shortly after some homeless are also impregnated.

Not to worry, Billy Predator HAS ARRIVED. Still alone. He finds the Predator ship - and tools himself up. Uh, shouldn't you do that BEFORE you go on a mission? Then sets the ship to implode. Which it does. In a massively unimpressive lightening thing.

Naturally, a father and son disappearing doesn't go unnoticed even by the slack jawed, simple minded folk of Nowheresville. So, in the middle of the night - they decide to have a look. Real good idea. Amazingly, they find nothing... until morning.

While some other tedious human stuff happens. The Predator checks the sewers... this Predator makes the ones in AvP look like schoolboys and then some. With some pretty fun fighting in a sewer... when things go a bit pear shaped, the Predator punches out of the sewer... Yeah, he rocks.

Then one of sluts in Nowheresville decides she wants a date with paroled, beat up pizza waiter... which is nice. Until an alien turns up to eat people... but it ate the jock stereotypes. That could happen to you jocks! Yes, strong anti-jock message... Being a jock, gets you killed.

Also, the Predator was having some laughs taking out an Alien - blew the power grid. Eh, if you had a plasma caster - you'd probably manage it too. Easy enough.

The national guard show up shortly after the heroes hole up in a gun shop. It's fair to say, the National Guard get schooled like remedial students in the Hitler Youth. Yeah, the only hope for the town is dead. A lot like the entire population of the hospital... The Predalien can instaimpegnate women, it seems. Naturally, in keeping with AvP the chestbursters seem to instagrow.

After a little murderin' - of humans and Aliens - at the gun store, the Predator finds its plasma casters both broke. Y'know, thank fuck these aliens arrive in America. If they'd landed in Britain... well, cricket bats and knifing is about all that could have been expected. Incidentally, it is made patently obvious that the USA is going to nuke the area to purge infestation... your tax dollars at work.

The sexy teens decide to go to the hospital, while the sheriff decides to swallow government lies and head for the centre of town. Course, the hospital is chock full of aliens... that INSTASPAWNED... Aliens weren't exactly so close to being believable as it was. What with going from puppies to 7-8 feet of lethal killing machine in a matter of hours... but the whole 5 insta-spawn thing makes it a bit silly, really.

As it goes, Sheriff gets nuked... and most of the sexy teens escape and the cute little girl. Aww! But... KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES... oh and the somewhat painful reference to the other half of Weyland and Yutani...

This film probably won't pleasure purists who'd have liked to see something more along the lines of the original AvP comics but as it goes, the lack of the USMC isn't so damaging. These things have a tendency to reduce down to a bunch of armed, rag tag survivors anyway... it's a shame we didn't get to see a more graphic portrayal of the xenomorphs chowing down on the National Guard... But you can't have everything.

The real reason to watch this film is the Predator. Had a real lot of noobs in AvP... this boy isn't just taking on Arnie or Danny Glover, he's taking on a bunch of aliens AND the usual human dullards... and doing it with style. There are several points where he just owns or has a bit of a larf... he doesn't have the personality of the original Predator, no... but he has the technology and just generally kills things... which is about a hundred times better than the cretinous wastes of space we had in the previous film.

You're not going to see this film for the directing - passable - or the acting - going from tolerable to just rubbish. You're going to see it because it has aliens in it, it has a Predator and general mayhem. It doesn't pull punches on the action... sure, it's a meagre 90 minutes and after the initial burst of death and destruction, the pace slows... but it's fun. It's a classic example of how a film can be enjoyable but not good. It's best to say that, if you have an hour and a half of your life you want to film with action/survival horror of a sci-fi nature... this is how to do it. It doesn't try to be anything else and of course, it's about seventeen times better than the original.