Total Recall - The Total Remake

Let's initially give the 2012 remake of Total Recall a pass on being a remake of the 1990 Arnie film and also for the somewhat questionable elements of the premise - namely the ability to construct "The Fall", a tunnel that goes through the CENTRE OF THE EARTH but not create more housing... With that out of the way, let's begin, shall we?

The film starts with textual exposition on the world before we cut to Doug Quaid (Colin Farrell) having a dream about a mysterious woman (Jessica Biel) and him, trying to escape robots from Mass Effect. He wakes up to see his hot wife Lori (Kate Beckinsale) and bemoans his boring life. He's located in the "The Colony" (which is in Australia - but looks like a mix of Bangkok and Hong Kong if they got fused with Blade Runner on steroids and for some reason, has to commute to the United Federation of Britain which is the only other place in the world that is still habitable (because of some kind of nuclear/chemical/biological war at the end of the 21st century). As if living in a post-apocalyptic world wasn't bad enough, trouble is brewing between the UFB and the resistance (led by Bill Nye) - whose goals and motivations are never really explained beyond being there to oppose the UFB.

Quaid continues to express his discontent to his best friend Harry (Bokeem Woodbine) and mentions that he's thinking about going to "Rekall", to have memories implanted. Harry tells him that this is a bad idea but another co-worker says it was super special awesome! He also gets turned down for a promotion - despite having put in lots of extra work and his boss telling him that he's better qualified but the other guy got the job as he's from the UFB.

Quaid wastes some talking to Harry at a bar, where he again gets warned against going to "Rekall" and FINALLY, at the twenty minute mark (after a very random scene paying homage to the infamous three breasted woman in the original), Quaid gets to "Rekall" where we have a John Cho cameo that is pretty much wasted and something ACTUALLY happens.

So, seconds after Quaid is strapped into the chair - a bunch of soldiers burst in and shoot everyone except Quaid. He's able to Jason Bourne them to death (although, with direction and editing that not only doesn't induce seizures but actually allows you to see what's going on!) a second team turns up before he manages to escape and heads home to see his wife... who responds by trying to kill him. Marriage ain't what it used to be... She immediately spills her guts and tells him that their marriage is an implanted memory and she's a secret agent there to keep an eye on him before he runs off again.

A phone in his hand rings and an old friend - called Hammond - tells him that he needs to go check out an old safety deposit box and get rid of the phone. Apparently cutting a hand phone out is easy though, all you need is a piece of broken glass and it comes right out! So, he goes to get the safety deposit box which is full of all kinds of things that help progress the plot - namely a video of himself, telling him to go to his old apartment in the UFB... he doesn't seem to question how the video got to the safety deposit box despite the fact it ends with him GETTING CAPTURED.

As should be obvious, what happens next is another chase sequence (after a joke only people that have watched the original will get) this one feeling very Minority Report influenced with cars moving vertically as well as horizontally. During this long and rather dull sequence, Jessica Biel is able to turn up at JUST the right time to save Quaid but she gets injured (as she is but a weak and feeble woman) and he has to carry her to his old apartment. He activates a message from himself that basically explains that Quaid is actually Hauser, someone in the UFB who defected to the resistance and had a kill-code for the synthetics that Cohagen was going to use to invade the Colony - handy for the rebels!

Police are surrounding the building and Harry tries to convince Quaid that this is all just a delusion brought on by the memory implantation and that to escape, he has to shoot Jessica Biel for uh, some reason - it's not explained... Instead, also for no adequately explained reason, her tearing up leads him to shoot Harry in the face and despite the fact the opening scene of the film shows us that there exists a very effective non-lethal takedown, Quaid and Jessica Biel manage to escape (despite being surrounded) via another - you guessed it! - long and tedious chase scene involving Willy Wonka lifts. YAWN.

To give us a break from this, Quaid gets to see Bill Nye - sporting an American accent but we'll get to that shortly. They try and get the kill-code from Quaid but faster than you can say "IT'S A TRAP!" the storm troopers have busted in and killed everyone and Quaid's faux wife (who has been trying to murder him the whole film despite orders not to) and Chancellor Heisenberg (Bryan Cranston) are there for good measure. Heinsenberg delivers a big dollop of exposition, this was all just a means to kill Bill Nye and launch the invasion of The Colony. Sadly, there is no evil laugh... but he instructs his soldiers to restore Quaid to his original personality and to take Jessica Biel with him on his invasion of The Colony (because all invasions are led by politicians with dangerous rebels along for the ride).

Taking a leaf right out of the Doctor Evil handbook, everyone leaves except for a couple of guys... even though there is NO rush to invade The Colony and it would make a lot more sense to just sit here and make sure they restored Quaid to Hauser... but nope, they all leave and apparently Hammond was one to go above and beyond the call of duty because he's there and loosens Quaid's straps - what a stroke of luck!

Hammond gets shot when Quaid is freeing himself - too bad, so sad - and then rushes off to The Fall to rescue Jessica Biel and stop Chancellor Heinsenberg from invading The Colony. How best to achieve this? BOMBS! Lots of bombs. Shame no one in the resistance was clever enough to come up with such an ingenuous plan before... so predictable as ever, Quaid frees Jessica Biel and after a pointless fight scene to pad the already overly long run time - we get a fake-out where Quaid is unconscious and wakes up to Lori pretending to be Jessica Biel... no explanation as to why she didn't just kill him while he was asleep but that's it.

This film has a lot of problems but most of it comes down to the pacing and the flat characters. The chase sequences are quite often quite visually impressive but as the characters are so unengaging, there's just no real reason to care what happens. Farrell phones in his performance - spending most of the film looking surprised but neither Biel nor Beckinsale do much better, struggling to muster two facial expressions between them. Given that we take a full twenty minutes to get to the action part, this is especially inexcusable.

The pacing is also very off, this film is only two hours long but it feels a lot longer. Some scenes - such as when Quaid goes to Rekall - feel as if they're too short and the action scenes almost all feel overly long, becoming rather numbing... On top of this, there's no real sense of scale or anything at stake. We've no real idea who the resistance are or what they want, we just know the UFB are the cartoonish bad guys and that the invasion is bad... for some reason.

About all you can say is that it looks nice and even that is somewhat backhanded as the visual style is really just a collage of designs out right lifted from other better films. Even without comparison to the original, this is a subpar action film that just falls flat.

World War Z Trailer

Any fan of the zombie genre worth their salt will at least know of World War Z.. in a world where zombies are now an overused and somewhat tired (but still tremendously popular) monster, it actually offered an interesting take on the zombie apocalypse both in its scope and its narrative style. Rather than the usual, struggling-to-stop-the-infection or ragtag-group-of-survivors-must-reach-safety that have been done a hundred times a piece, it took the perspective of a writer chronicling the tales of people AFTER humanity had survived the catastrophic effect of the titular zombie war.

It's really the logical conclusion of the Romero ideal, where the slow moving zombies are merely an external means by which to expedite internal conflict. Except that this story plays out on a global setting and we're perceiving the world through a number of very different individual (and at times, unreliable) perspectives. In a genre which has inexorably moved toward the more immediately threatening running zombies since 28 Days Later, World War Z was a good way of showing a (relatively) realistic scenario for the way the slow mving undead might be able to almost destroy mankind.

So, naturally the film adaptation was ALWAYS going to be fraught with problems and the production seems to have done little but lurch from one disaster to another, enduring serious amounts of rewriting and reshooting - something that would almost certainly have sunk a film with a lower budget or less star power. Regardless of these problems, the trailer has just been released!

And while trailers are by no means a good way to judge a film, this seems judged to systematically disabuse anyone of the notion that this is based on the source material in anything but name alone. First of all, this is set  at the BEGINNING of a zombie apocalypse - not at its end. Secondly, these zombies are not the slow shambling kind - they're track and field zombies ON STEROIDS. Hell, these zombies look like they could outrun a car! Thirdly, from the looks of things... this isn't going to be a multi-faceted narrative, it's going to be a vehicle for Brad Pitt single handedly saving the world. That's not exactly surprising and is one of the reasons why an A-lister was always going to be a bad idea.

The most notable thing is how TERRIBLE the special effects in the trailer are - for a film with a budget of $125m you'd expect something good. If these are actual effects in the cut that is released... just, wow. We're talking about the kind of effects people cringed at in The Mummy and those looked better AND had the excuse of being from 1999. We're talking about zombies behaving like some kind of gigantic kind of giant ball that has properties of a liquid and a gas... it's truly bizarre and sticks out like a sore thumb. All the WORST excesses, everything that people complain about when it comes to CGI... this trailer seems to almost perfectly sum it up.

It's hard to know exactly what this film will be like but if this is the best it has to offer then it looks as if Paul W.S. Anderson is in for some stiff competition as regards bad big budget zombie films...

Forward Unto Dawn

With Halo 4 out this month, now is as good a time as any to mention the Forward Unto Dawn... part of the rather considerable pre-release hype... it's somewhere between a mini-series and a short film, covering events preceding any of the games right at the start of the human-covenant war with short interludes that show the increasingly rampant Cortana (stuck on the eponymous ship - or rather, half ship - with Master Chief following the end of Halo 3) at the start of each episode.

It does start out feeling a little bit generic but given the time they have, they actually do a pretty decent job with the characters and this definitely has the feel of the Halo universe. Also, for a fairly small production it's actually quite impressive. Not only do we get to see Elites and Hunters but also Master Chief himself in an actual Warthog.

This does somewhat highlight that it would be difficult to build a film around Master Chief - what makes him work as a protagonist of an FPS (being a bad ass of few words), makes him rather uninteresting as a character. There's no doubting his bad ass credentials here but as usual, he's just a big ol' power armour wearing glass of water, all of the interest really coming from the students.

A must for any Halo or sci-fi fan.

The End Of Dire Spy Schlock Hunted

And so, Hunted ends not with a bang but a "wow, that's eight hours wasted." You can't blame the hacks that wrote this drivel though - actually, you can and should - they did their best (which would have to work hard and buck up its ideas to aspire to be mediocre)  in this last episode to make this try and seem like it was all terribly clever.

The attempt to make Hunted look like some intelligent interweaving story is truly laughable as an everything-and-the-kitchen-sink approach would be underselling the desperation apparent here. The gangsta's son (Steve) wife didn't commit suicide - SHE WAS MURDERED! But wait! THERE'S MORE! She was murdered BY HIS HALF-BROTHER! Tyrone - the nefarious black guy that worked for Dave. At his father's behest, of course.

Still not sold on how clever this is?! What if they explain why gangsta dad is hellbent on getting this dam? Because his son (the one that got murdered) was murdered by Polyhedrous - one of the evil multi-national corporations - twenty years ago and he wants his revenge! Except that his plan is upset by the fact the blackmail material he had on Polyhedrous (who killed over six hundred people) is fake!

Luckily for our heroine, being drugged and then drowned isn't a serious setback to her, so she activates her Jesus powers to resurrect herself and murder gangsta dad - just in time for her boyfriend(ish) to come in and inject her with the antidote because obviously for her to shake off drowning AND poison THAT would break the suspension of disbelief! Oh and being drowned let her remember the pivotal(?) event from her childhood that links in to the whole Hourglass thing. Handy that!

Oh and Sam gets shot. Again but shockingly - DOESN'T DIE! AND SHE GETS HANDED A BABY! What a twist?

Starship Troopers: Invasion

The latest adaptation of the hugely influential Heinlein novel, Starship Troopers: Invasion is a bit of a mix of the various different adaptations that have been made over the years... perhaps the most notable difference from the best known iteration of the franchise - the 1997 Paul Verhoeven film - is that this is fully CGI and that the titular Starship Troopers are indeed wearing at least some kind of power armour.

This particular outing returns to main the characters from the 1997 movie, although several years on with the Federation still at war with the Bugs. The first thing to note about this film is that it's very limited in its visuals. If you feel that too many sci-fi films end up us as endless succession of identical corridors, this film will do little to disabuse you of that notion. We start out on a space station, move to a spaceship and then on to another spaceship and that's pretty much it. It's almost certainly due to budgetary constraints but it makes the  whole thing feel very limited - granted, the 1997 film was mostly set on a series of big ol' sandy planets but we had a number of different locations there... ravines, a fort and tunnels. Enough to give variety... and of course in the 1999 CGI TV show we had a number of substantially different places in each campaign.

Starship Troopers: Invasion offers us little more than the same metallic hallways and bland rooms every step of the way and while that isn't something that makes it inherently bad - it's very limiting and when you've got the ability to make any kind of world you want inside a computer it just feels a little disappointing.

Storywise, this runs with Carl being a creepy black ops type who steals Carmen's ship to run experiments that naturally pertain to Bugs and end up goin awry, killing everyone and leading to the eponymous invasion... there's not really anything remarkable in terms of story or character. It doesn't rely entirely upon the cookie cutter military cliches but it really doesn't matter as the power armour does precious little good and the weapons remain as useless as ever, so most of these characters are just meat for the grinder.

It's enjoyable as a standard sci-fi action piece, the CGI animation is actually fairly impressive (if lacking in variety) but it lacks the satirical kick that made the original film stand out from the crowd. You'd have thought someone would want to bring back the tongue-in-cheek propaganda stuff but admittedly, they'd probably feel somewhat out of place here as this is far more serious in tone than the often cartoonish Verhoeven film.

All-in-all, it's a good effort and not a bad way to spend ninety minutes and definitely something fans of the franchise (or sci-fi or creature feature fans for that matter) but there's nothing particularly iconic here... so, while even years on people will probably still remember some of the stuff from Verhoeven's gloriously over the top film, Invasion is something that is unlikely to be anything more than a series of long, grey corridors...

New Post-Apocalyptic Science Fiction Show - Revolution

With the Walking Dead about to return for a third season (that hopefully doesn't bore us to tears like season two) and Falling Skies having finished not so very long ago, it seems that the post-apocalyptic genre is in favour and here is Revolution to jump on the bandwagon.

The start is one of those horrible, badly written scenes that only ever happens on film or TV. Someone rushes home and makes an urgent phonecall - in this case, a husband and father rushes home and calls up his brother and knowing that time is short, starts in the middle of a sentence so that instead of imparting useful information to his brother, he can waste time spouting lines for use in the trailer. Needless to say, that "EVERYTHING IS GOING TO TURN OFF!" is probably the least useful thing to tell someone thirty seconds before the "The Blackout"occurs - pretty sure your brother would have worked that out.

Anyway, this isn't just a power cut or EMP or anything like that but rather something that leads to ALL electrical devices (and even car engines, apparently) no longer functioning. So, as one might imagine, electricity being the basis of all modern society, things go to hell pretty fast and within a decade massive numbers of people have died due to starvation, government has collapsed and now an agrarian society has arisen - with militias pushing people around.

The show starts with the idiot from the start getting killed because his son is even stupider than him. For no particular reason, the militia take him instead of his dead father. Well, obviously his father is dead so he wouldn't be much use but as this pertains to the power going out - why exactly would he be useful given that the reason his father is being taken is because the head of the militia suspects his complicity in the Blackout? Not only that but as we find out at the end of the first episode, the head of the militia is not just friends with the protagonist who got a call from his brother about the Blackout but was RIGHT NEXT TO HIM when he got the call, seconds before the lights went out... and yet it took him YEARS to piece this together?

Also, granted this IS a post-apocalyptic fallen society and it's established that only the magical USB necklaces are somehow able to activate technology but the producers of this show DO realise there's a lot of technology in-between medieval and modern day, right? Granted, there's the small fact that we've had the apocalypse and to restructure society but surely this is a great fucking excuse for steampunk? Or at least SOME use of steam? It has been over a decade and apparently the militia has thousands of men in it... you know what would give them advantage? TRAINS!

Not to mention how unspeakably awesome that would be, to combine the post-apocalyptic and steampunk genres. Granted, this is a TV show and I get the impression that it's probably already horrendously expensive and that having a steampunk theme in it would make it crazy but this is one of those issues that needs to be addressed. OK, maybe they can't get electricity working - they're a little fuzzy on why car engines don't work but just kind of toss it in - but there's a LOT of stuff that's relatively easy to make that ISN'T electronic... and it's not as if they burnt all the libraries down.

Anyway, the main protagonists are the cynical swashbuckler (because bullets are rare and people have resorted to the use of muskets) that shall be named McGuyver (he seriously looks like his brother... no mullet though) and the plucky daughter that is trying to save her brother. The brother gets his own story too, being abducted by Fring from Breaking Bad and there's also a former tech millionaire and mother who lost her kids who are hiding the magical USB necklace and serve to forward the mystery plot.

Perhaps the nicest thing in this show so far is that in the second episode, McGuyver is about to ice some guy that is after him because of the bounty on him (basically, he's now wanted for the same reason his brother was and Plucky dun goofed and blew his cover) and of course, Plucky goes "YOU CAN'T KILL HIM!" In a lot of shows, we'd get shown that of course, Plucky was right... somehow the guy would help them later on or something and we'd all learn the "love thy enemy" stuff.

What ACTUALLY happens is that not five minutes later, he's escaped and has set up McGuyver and is going to haul him off for his reward. Naturally, this leads to the guy ACTUALLY getting killed and Plucky having to realise she dun goofed. Also, the episode rounds out with her killing a guy in cold blood - flashing back to a scene during the first weeks after the Blackout where her mother killed a guy who was stealing food from her family.

So, if there's any hope for this show, it's that it's not going for the usual cookie cutter morality tale. Or at least, that it has the potential to be something other than that. The militia have certainly been established as the bad guys but we'll just have to see how that goes... the mystery plot has already shown us that people secretly with technology are being stalked by someone... and really, the people behind the Blackout are the worst mass murderers in history... so, we'll have to see how that goes.

BBC's "Hot" New Cliche Wrought Spy Thriller - The Hunted

Since the worst excesses of the James Bond era -  where over the top gadgets, ridiculously oversexualised names and an abundance of one liners, it feels as if the spy genre has been trying relentlessly to purge itself of anything like that... unfortunately, the pendulum has really swung too far the other way and has created a tiresome sea of similarity, into which the BBC has now hurled another wretched offering - The Hunted.

From pretty much the first moment of the show, you're going to notice the washed out colours and you should get used to it because it's constant. As is the cutting of the camera, the director and or editor are seemingly unable to allow a shot to last for more than three seconds at the best of times and as soon anything remotely interesting happens (don't worry, these moments are few and far between) the cuts start to become so rapid they mean you've little idea of what's going on. With one notable exception, where we see a gratuitous shot of someone having a syringe stabbed in their eye... but this is from the people that made Spooks, a show most people will remember for having a rather graphic death by deep fat fryer, so presumably this is attempting to ape that.

Washed out colours and ham fisted directing and editing aside, the story has our main character get shot TWICE in the first twenty minutes and yet, at no point is anything other than dull. A first episode really needs to grab you and yet, this was as dull as dishwater. The camerawork is so terrible that the action scenes - far from being exciting breaks from the awful dialogue are more likely to induce an epileptic seizure than actual tension.

And the dialogue really is poor. Another spy thriller cliche box ticked with the terse dialogue by various tight lipped characters... and it might be acceptable if it was just used occasionally to highlight stress and the rest of the time they talked like ACTUAL humans but these characters can't help but talk in soundbites and cliches.

There's no chance this can be a slow burner either, it's an eight parter... one doesn't really have time to burn anything but quickly when one is limited to eight one hour episodes... Really, there's just nothing to say about this show other than "don't bother". It has been done better in every conceivable way by others, so... there's no point in wasting time on this.

Cowboys & Aliens

Genre mixing and versus battles are all the rage these days. Pirates vs. ninjas, zombies vs. anything and now Cowboys vs. Aliens.

There REALLY isn't a lot to say about this film - it's very much a case of "does exactly what it says on the tin". You've got the Wild West setting with cowboys and injuns and then - BOOM! ALIENS!

Daniel Craig - with plot convenient/lazy writing amnesia and a bracelet that fires lasers - and Harrison Ford are the driving forces here but there's no real characterisation. Harrison Ford is a gruff cattle rancher with a pissant son (who gets abducted) and about all his character does is say that he looks at a native American guy is like his REAL son. Daniel Craig is suffering movie grade amnesia and is plagued with a severe case of flashbacks... it's nothing that hasn't been done a hundred times before and as always, it's just a case of the writer either not having the talent or inclination to write something better. He's a bad ass with a criminal past - that he can't remember - and the only weapon that works against the aliens.

After the aliens have abducted a bunch of people from the town, Indiana Jones and James Bond get a posse together and head out to find the aliens and that's really the meat of the film. We find out that the aliens are there FOR GOLD... which... doesn't really make a lot of sense. If you're capable of interstellar travel and can detect gold from orbit... why the hell do you want to waste all the time and energy of going down into a gravity well as big as Earth? Just go asteroid mining! And if you're thinking "aliens coming to Earth for our gold... that sounds familiar!" that'll be because it was the plot for the cinematic masterpiece known as Battlefield: Earth.

Also, the reason for the abductions is apparently because the aliens want to find out our weaknesses. This kind of thing always strikes me as silly. Unless you're going to develop biological agents SPECIFICALLY for humans, it really shouldn't be that hard to work out that humans are incredibly frail. We're meatbags that can die by falling down a flight of stairs - it's not like we're Kryptonians or Terminators, we die REAL easy. There is the insinuation that the aliens will also descend en masse to wipe humanity out - there's no explanation given, that's apparently just how these aliens roll.

So, naturally after following a wounded alien, they manage to find their ship and decide to engage in what might as well have been dubbed "operation suicide", which is basically most of the people riding around outside the ship and getting massacred by the nigh invulnerable aliens, that are apparently capable of just ripping people apart... all of this after they recognise that they want to keep to the high ground.

Naturally though, main characters are immune and Han Solo and James Bond are fine, aliens are killed and that's about it. Very average.

Superman vs. The Elite

So, as we all know - when it comes to live action films, there is no right DC can do for doing wrong... the exception obviously being Chris Nolan's Batman but fortunately, it's continuing to quietly produce animated features.

Superman vs. The Elite is their latest offering and is actually rather good. It's not QUITE in the All Star Superman league but it is good, following - as that did - a pre-existing and critical acclaimed storyline in the comics, which is really how these things should go.

The problem with Superman as a character - regardless of medium - is that a lot of people find him dull. He's   pretty much the dictionary definition of a flying brick (or a physical god) and has about a bajillionty superpowers - to the point that he has to have THREE glass jaws just to compensate for it... and a weakness like kryptonite makes things a bit prosaic because, when you know Superman is essentially invulnerable EXCEPT to kryptonite - well, it doesn't take a genius to work out that people are going to have krptonite... It's either that or Superman is just up against someone he can punch a lot and destroy the city.

Superman is generally considered the quintessential boyscout and hence, being a physical god who personifies hope - the polar opposite of the brooding mere mortal Batman, who is the only Mary Sue that it's acceptable to not just like but openly hero worship. This is the real problem with Superman - it's hard to relate to the guy.

Superman vs. The Elite is essentially a response to all the darker, edgier heroes that are (at best) morally grey and will kill and commit questionable acts to achieve their ends vs. Superman's faith in the justice system and humanity. It's exactly what Superman needs - a problem that he can't punch his way out of. The moral quandary is really the heart of the story.

The Elite are four anti-heroes led by Manchester Black - a Mancunian with immense telepathic and telekinetic powers, a big black guy who is superstrong and has some kind of energy power, a horny succubus type girl with the ability to create snakes or something and The Hat, who is constantly drunk and summons demons from his hat and has various other non-specified magic.

The conflict arises from Superman's belief in the rule of law and The Elite's amoral pursuit of who they judge "the bad guys". The Elite are seen as heroes for their uncompromising treatment of criminals and terrorists and while they both seemingly serve the side of right, a conflict is inevitable.

All-in-all, it's a good offering and if you can suffer through all the awful British accents - it's worth a watch.

John Carter Of Mars

John Carter of Mars - the live action Disney adaptation of the oldie timey work of the same name - is likely to be remembered for how catastrophically it tanked at the box office, putting it up there with other similarly high outlay/low return flops as Treasure Planet and Atlantis: The Lost Empire in the Disney hall of shame...

The thing is - as with Treasure Planet and Atlantis which between them pretty much killed off Disney's traditional animated features for a decade - John Carter of Mars... isn't bad. It's actually considerably better than either of those two offerings but it's really not good either.

There's nothing that sticks out as memorable beyond the visuals. Despite clocking in at two hours, there's no real investment in any of the characters and there's never any real suspense or tension. Not to mention that the fish out of water device isn't particularly well used - John Carter arrives on Mars and seems to work it all out pretty quickly and once a magical plot device (never explained) allows him to understand the language of the people on Mars, it's all pretty straight forward. The strange thing about the universal translator is that it doesn't translate the weird words and so, almost half the dialogue is people saying silly words or names.

There's nothing wrong with that occasionally but the words in question are just so ridiculous that it makes it hard to take it seriously... and the film plays it very straight, that alone makes the film feel rather stilted which is worsened by the pacing. Really, the two hour run time does drag and it feels as if this could have been cut down to ninety minutes and it would have been for the better.

It feels as if this really WANTED to be a kind of fun sci-fi romp - possibly in the manner of Pirates of the Caribbean - but it got bogged down in the source material. The plot is pretty straight forward - John Carter dicks around a bit to give us some minor character development and then ends up on Mars, find out he's super strong and can jump like a kangaroo on steroids and saves a princess...

This princess is not only hot (pretty much a given) AND a super science boffin (having discovered the "ninth ray", which is apparently super special awesome) but is also an accomplished sword fighting bad ass, so... she's a keeper. Anyway, evil shapeshifting monks want McNulty from The Wire to marry her, allowing them to rule the planet... or something, the motivations of the "Thurn" are never really explained beyond vague insinuation that once they've got a puppet ruler on Mars, they'll turn their attention toward Earth.

Anyway, John Carter and the princess run away from the four armed green guys, find out the plans of the evil shapeshifting monks (because apparently a race capable of instantaneous interplanetary travel don't know about passwords) and have the mandatory chases and escapes. It's all very paint by numbers and really, there's just nothing to set this apart from the crowd and the ending just feels like clunky framing with obvious sequel baiting for a sequel that will never come.

It's not good, it's not bad... it's just average and despite some nice visuals, it's easily forgettable. Something to watch when you're not really feeling like paying a lot of attention, really.

The Mass Effect 3 Ending And Why Indoctrination Isn't Big And DEFINITELY Isn't Clever.

Let's take the Mass Effect 3 ending debacle as read and jump straight into this, shall we?

The ending to Mass Effect 3 is bad. Objectively, it's bad and it's not a case of people "not getting it" - there is nothing to get. It's riddled with plot holes and from pretty much every technical aspect of writing it's at best a horribly flawed car crash.

Now, in an attempt to cope with this clusterfuck of an ending some have posited that the ending is a hallucination - which would be INCREDIBLY STUPID but could kind of make sense. It would be utterly ridiculous and a complete cop out for any number of reasons but it's an easy fix for the end - you get up, shake it off and go get a REAL ending.

The alternative to this is indoctrination theory - which is basically the same, except it requires Shepard to have been indoctrinated. Beyond the obvious Occam's Razor violation here is the exact same one that faces the end just being a hallucination. It's still STUPID and it still means Bioware shipped an unfinished game PURELY to dick with their fans. That's not genius. Hell, given the monumental furore - so great that even the NON-gaming press have taken notice - and 80% drop in sales, there's a lot of evidence that "there's no such thing as bad publicity" is wrong.

Not just that, for indoctrination to be true, you basically need to put on your confirmation bias blinkers. Yes, there are SOME things that suggest it but then they could just as easily be down to the lazy writing that pervades the game. Especially as the camp is split - either thinking Shepard is (somehow by means unexplained and certainly never shown in the game) being indoctrinated THROUGHOUT the duration of the game in a slow and insidious way (despite at no point showing ANY of the signs of indoctrination expounded in both the codex and ME1, ME2 AND ME3) OR even MORE ridiculous and utterly against canon - he just gets insta-indoctrinated at the end. Neither of these make a lick of sense and are the exact opposite of genius - if Bioware changes the ending to one of indoctrination it WON'T be genius, it WILL be a lazy last minute ass pull to save face.

And the notion that the ending somehow indoctrinated the PLAYER?! Well, I've yet to hear that one explained in a way that doesn't sound desperately like "I DON'T WANT THE ENDING TO SUCK! PLEASE LET IT BE GOOD!"

So yeah, don't drink the koolaid chaps - it's full of bleach.

Bioware and the tale of the ultimate trolling/April Fool's!

Mass Effect 3's release was for literally millions something orders of magnitude more anticipated than any summer blockbuster - hardly surprising given that many consider it the defining science fiction franchise of a generation.

Pretty much everyone squeed as they relentlessly played 20+ hours to get to see trans-galactic bad ass Commander Shepard round up a fighting force almost as enormous as his (or her) big brass balls while the Reapers invaded Earth and inevitably craved the moment 5 years in the making! The finale! The conclusion to the epic! The final showdown! One last epic battle to free the galaxy from the Reaper threat forever, maybe getting some answers along the way and then, finally! Seeing how all those decisions - good and bad, right and wrong - over the 100+ hours of gameplay all panned out. Who lived and who died and what happened to the galaxy for good or ill!

Of course, we all knew that was going to happen, right? Bioware had said repeatedly there would be several different endings! That our choices would have BIG consequences! The whole trilogy was ALL about that - so, it's not like they'd lie or anything, right?

And then people got to the ending! Except, something was wrong. It didn't make any sense. It was wrong. It felt rushed, contrived, stupid even! Surely, this couldn't be real! Surely, millions of this wasn't what they had spent five years anticipating?!

As one would expect in an age where communication is really only limited by how fast people can mash buttons on a keyboard through tears of bitter despair - people started to respond in their thousands and realised they were not alone. It wasn't that they didn't get it or that they hadn't done something right - they hadn't missed some crucial detail the ending was bad not just subjective but OBJECTIVELY!

Hell hath no fury like a gamer scorned, so a movement began - Retake Mass Effect and to show that the Internet is a force for good and not just cute kittens and porn, they even decided to use the opportunity that such a gathering of people presented to raise money for charity!

http://retakemasseffect.chipin.com/retake-mass-effect-childs-play

This has all snowballed now, going beyond even the gaming sites (many of whom are foaming with rage that people dare chastise the people that pay their wages) and reaching the likes of Forbes! It has taken on a life of its own, Bioware say they wanted to polarise fans - mission accomplished! They wanted the ending to be remembered - it's going to be hard to forget now but what's really happening?

Bioware has been EXTREMELY cagey since this all started - there has been nothing said beyond the fact that they're "listening". An equally vague mention that they're waiting for more people to finish and can't go into specifics. So what does it all mean?

Bioware certainly aren't infallible - the utterly dire hack job that was Dragon Age 2 proves that and everyone has whispered of a decline in quality since they were bought by EA. Furthermore, the ending is nigh identical to one from a script leaked last year. Could it be that they just horribly misjudged it all and ruined everything forever with a lazy hack ending that even Star Trek: Voyager writers would think was stupid? It's entirely possible - deadlines are unrelenting and time is money, there isn't always time to put everything in and evidenced by Dragon Age 2, it's clear Bioware will rush out a hacked together game of inferior quality.

The problem there is - most people agree that ME3 is great UNTIL the last ten minutes. Epic, cinematic, emotional and high stakes, everything that was expected - it definitely doesn't feel rushed or slap-dash, just the opposite. That said, it was NEVER going to be easy to come up with an ending to an epic that would be satisfactory. It's really that it feels that Bioware gave us the most brutal ending of all - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHING!

No matter what choice you make all that happens is sonmeone shouting"NOOOOOOOOOOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! YOU SO STUPID!"

So, what exactly are the options?

1. Bioware are sitting on a truly awesome ending and are getting ready for the biggest April Fool's joke in history! Come April 1st they'll don their troll face masks and shout FOOLED YOU! Then release a patch that puts in an ending that the series deserves.

Analysis: Definitely proof that collectively the fanbase is still in the "bargaining" stage of grief. The hope against hope that Bioware are a pack of cunts who toyed with our emotions just for a joke. In the short term, it's likely that will get a LOT of negative reaction from the fanbase but if it's free, it's likely all would be forgiven and forgotten in a short while. As with any prank where you're the butt of the joke - you're angry for a while but you can look back at it as funny in the future.

Probability: Bearing in mind the script leak in November - although Bioware went on record as saying that was an old script and things had changed since then - this seems, unlikely. First of all - it's just a huge gamble and given the levels of hate and the actual FINANCIAL damage that has been done, it seems improbable that EA wouldn't have said "YEAH, IT WAS A JOKE!" because they only care about the bottom line.

Not only that, the behind the scene footage in the back patting circle jerk of "Final Hours" shows pretty much the exact form of the current ending. It would be an EXTREMELY elaborate deception and really - it seems stupid. The first time you do anything is always the most memorable, everything is fresh and new - for good or ill, it's human nature to form an impression based on a first impression. So, basically - people walk away with a bad taste in their mouth and the whole game is tainted. Hell, the whole FRANCHISE is tainted.

If they're holding out for the 1st of April they have balls a LOT bigger than Shepard.

2. Bioware have a truly awesome ending but they're planning on price gouging a game that already had Day 1 DLC by making people pay for a "proper" ending DLC.

Analysis: Games ain't cheap to make and companies have bills to pay. DLC price gouging is only going to get more common - especially as physical media becomes sidelined. Fixing a bad ending? That's shooting fish in a barrel.

Probability: Even lower than the first - the negative backlash is already costing Bioware good will that hasn't exactly recovered from DA2. While EA is greedy, they aren't stupid and even a child could see that they'd galvanise opposition and likely be a nice big "company holds fans to ransom" title across the Internet.

3. Bioware for whatever reason utterly fucked up and don't have a clue what to do.

Analysis: Again - Bioware aren't infallible. Deadlines, fatigue, burn out, corporate culture doesn't usually encourage original thought and sometimes people just go "meh, good enough!". It's really the only realistic explanation - Bioware's pleas for patience just a vain hope that maybe people would just simmer down and it would blow over and they could plan some kind of PR spin - with the usual bullshit words like "challenging", "bold", "visionary" or "ambiguous".

Probability: Sadly, close to 100%.

Well played Bioware - it took George Lucas hundreds of millions of dollars and thousands of employees to alienate a huge chunk of his fanbase and poison a franchise, you guys did it with one lead writer's half-baked concept and 10 minutes of gameplay!