Ang Lee's "Hulk" having been atoned for with the rather better received The Incredible Hulk, Marvel has released "Hulk vs.", which is specifically Hulk vs. Wolverine - a fight that fanboys seem to get all kinds of worked up about - and Hulk vs. Thor.

They're totally unrelated, both forty minutes long and pretty much excuse plots for big fights. Which is pretty much what anyone looking into these is going to want.

Hulk vs. Thor is almost painful in its excuse plot. We start out with some exposition from Loki about how Odin does some magical sleep thing once a year and during that time, Asgard is vulnerable and Thor and his pals have to protect him. Loki figures this is a good time for him to send the Hulk in to wipe the floor with Thor - all pretty non-sequiter.

Loki gets Enchantress to work some magic mojo on Banner, separating Banner and the Hulk and then doing some mind control on him (because that ALWAYS goes so well). Loki goes to town in control of Hulk and wipes the floor with a bunch of guards and minor characters who were chatting at the start. Naturally, Thor comes along to lay the smackdown but Loki manages to do a pretty good job of thrashing him.

A lot of this fight is almost beautiful but it's not that impressive as a fight. Inevitably, Loki dicks around too much and the spell is broken. At this point, Enchantress goes "Oh... wait - so, the plan was to KILL Thor... well, I wasn't in for that!" And Loki offs Banner. The Hulk just about beats Thor to death but then Enchantress comes and kisses it better (literally) and for some reason, the Hulk decides to go back and beat the hell out of the city some more.

Thor has some words with Loki but then Enchantress tells us that with Banner dead, she can't return the Hulk to Midgard. At this point, Loki realises - and Thor choking him might help. Irritatingly enough, we are teased with occasional shots of the cannon fodder defence of Odin - which looks pretty awesome but we KEEP missing the good stuff, it seems. Well, what would you rather see - an idyllic after-life for Banner, or the fighty fighty?

Naturally, this being a story with mythology - all you need to do is pop to Hell or its equivalent and ask the relevant deity for your soul back. Banner angsts for a while but chickens out, it turns to Loki to finally convince Hella to take the Hulk. Which naturally saves the day. Of course, then they have the Hulk running around the Hell-equivalent and for some reason this necessitates another fight and then Hella sends him home. Loki gets his comeuppance, Odin wakes up up and we find pretty much everyone survived getting stamped on.

The pacing is pretty uneven, we're slow to start off and constantly, CONSTANTLY avoiding the big fights. We get one decent sized Hulk/Thor fight and one pretty short one at the end. The story really is an embarrassment. It was all so arbitrary. Fun but there's so much "that's it?" feeling. Far too much cutting away from the action and filler for something that is cutting to the credits at close to forty minutes.

All-in-all, it's decent but the pretty animation can't rescue a story that struggles to be mediocre. It's almost as if they'd decided to a double feature and just plucked Thor out of thin air because... well, he's another well known Marvel heavy hitter. It's something of a shame they didn't go for something a little more interesting... Thor is pretty much solidly getting his ass handed to him by the Hulk. So, any notion that this would be more of a match of equals is flawed. Something that pitted Hulk against maybe Juggernaut might have been more fun... and wouldn't have required the terrible excuse story.

Hulk vs. Wolverine is rather more interesting and isn't so painfully contrived. The name is a big misnomer though. The conflict here is really more about Wolverine vs. his former compatriots from Weapon X - Lady Death Strike, Deadpool, Sabertooth and Omega Red.

Wolverine starts out not sure what's going on, before we cut to four hours earlier. Wolverine does his badass thing - including JUMPING OUT A HELICOPTER WITH NO PARACHUTE... and kind of sliding down a mountain. Yeah, he runs around being cool before he tracks down Banner. This being Wolverine... he antagonises Banner but naturally, doesn't off him and ends up getting punted across the forest.

Cue fanboy pleasing fight. Healing factor and adamantium aside - Wolverine would pretty much be paste after the thrashing he takes... but THE POWER OF FANBOYS COMPELS HIM. Round two is just getting underway when Weapon X turn up and tranq the hell out of both of them.

Cue another flashback - this time to Wolverine getting abducted by Weapon X goons and getting his adamantium... and a bit of training and escaping. In which Wolverine kills about a dozen people. It's pretty awesome. Deadpool is also great - in fact, he's a terrible scene stealer.

Deathstrike wants to off Wolverine... but escape ensues and eventually he frees Banner. They do a bit of escaping and fighting - then Wolverine stabs Banner so he'll Hulk out. This results in some awesomeness from most everyone. Even a little more Hulk vs. Wolverine - gasp! Then... we have the mandatory explodey base... but... why the tease of Wolverine & Hulk at the end? It's a fantastic finishing shot but leaves the question unresolved and the Hulk vs. Wolverine quotient very low.

Hulk vs. Wolverine isn't quite as pretty as Hulk vs. Thor but it is really in a different ballpark as far as the story goes. Now, it's fair to say that you'd have to have been hiding under a rock not to have a basic grasp of Wolverine's back story insofar as Weapon X goes but the retelling is cool and gives the characters a reason to be there rather than "the plot demands it".

It's a little ironic that this is shipping dubbed "Hulk Vs." because it does feel a lot like he's really just cameoing despite being the titular character... he does the HULK SMASH, fairly competently but it really feels as if he's never given time to shine... Not just that but anyone hoping these would be actual Hulk stories, will be sadly disappointed. Thor allows for Banner to be a whiney little bitch a bit but really, it's all very trite and the kind of pathos that defines the character is pretty absent.

Bottom line: worth it if you've been gagging to see Wolverine just run around and MURDER A LOT OF PEOPLE, like a bad ass - without the child friendly parameters of the recent cartoon. Worth it if you just want some pretty cool fights... Definitely worth it for people who are Deadpool fans... if Wolverine hogs the screen time from the Hulk, Deadpool steals the scenes from Wolverine... But, if you're looking for something you can get your teeth into? Not for you, not really. The stories are insubstantial and in the case of Wolverine, the kind of stuff even a level one fanboy could summarise without thinking... Really, just there for the bigger fans or those who like the big fights. Those buying it because they love the Hulk - will be a little disappointed.

If there's one things that British shows should know not to do - it's try and imitate American shows.

Why? Money, mostly. American shows have more of it -a lot more, overwhelmingly vast oceans compared to tiddly little paddling pools, really. That isn't to say it's impossible for British shows to match the US in this department... Doctor Who probably proves that there's the ability, if seldom the inclination... and really, even Doctor Who can't regularly compare to even a lightweight like the later seasons of SG-1. Outside of period dramas, it's just hard to compete in terms of on-screen wow.

Despite these obvious disadvantages, ITV felt compelled to give us "Demons". The Buffy wannabe that's the better part of a decade too late and far, far behind the curve.

The parallels are there - teenager (although, this time a boy) finds he has a destiny fighting the forces of the supernatural and here's his team to help him fight it with ask kicking and quips. He's apparently a descendent of Van Helsing... they might as well just have said he was the new Slayer. Of course, as noted above - this is like Buffy but not as good.

In fact, in essentially every aspect of its nature it fails to compare favourably to even the later, boring and wangsty Buffy seasons. Budget and writing are very much lacking here... and if you don't have one, you really have to compensate with bags of the other... Sadly, here we lack much in the way of plot, dialogue, action and a lot of the time even the acting is poor... Gene Hunt doing an American accent... why? Like much of the show, there is only "why?"

Thus far there have been five episodes in which the characters struggle to move beyond broad stereotypes of the kind of characters these shows contain. There just isn't the amount of stuff you'd fit into a Buffy episode - where you'd have time for laughs, drama and the mandatory ass kicking. In its defence, Demons doesn't even TRY for the comedy side of thing... but then, that just places the show somewhere in the middle of the road. It's not REALLY got all that much action in it, the drama is pretty thin, the effects aren't anything to write home about and it's not really going to have you laughing - except at the idiotic characters.

It's perhaps not overly awful - in the way that Bonekickers managed to be... but then, at the same time... you could ENJOY Bonekickers because it was such an overwhelming unspeakable abomination, that one had to ask if it was just an elaborate prank... so, memorable in the "so bad it's good". Demons will probably not linger so long in the memory. Barely worth the waste of 40 minutes...

If you've not heard of Resident Evil - a franchise more prolific than the fictional viruses it is focused on - the chances are you've been hiding under a rock, while frozen in ice at the edge of space and your TV has been on the blink. If that's the case, the basic story is - evil corporation wants to make perfect weapon via use of mutagenic virus (mostly the T-virus but there are several other flavours but mostly the T-virus and the G-virus). Unfortunately, one of the side-effects of the virus is that it turns people into zombies... of course, given that the MAIN series of games is soon to be in its fifth instalment - things have become a little more complicated than that... but, that's the gist.

In contrast to the fifth instalment of the game, Resident Evil: Degeneration hasn't been overly publicised and is in fact wholly CGI... and seemingly canonical - unlike the live action films... This actually includes characters from the games and ties up some loose ends from the games. It certainly isn't going to win any points for story telling or voice acting and it definitely isn't the prettiest CGI you've seen - Advent Children puts it to shame - but you're not here for a whole lot of story... you're here for zombie killing.

The story starts off with Claire in an airport, incidentally meeting a cookie cutter sleazebag politician. People aren't too happy about all manner of biological research being done on their back door - what with various zombie related incidents and all. So there are a number of protests. We start out with a fake out - a guy pretending to be a zombie lumbering toward the sleazebag politician. Which is followed five seconds later by a REAL zombie - it starts chowing down on the nearest available person and all hell breaks loose.

Hell breaking loose involves a 747 CRASHING INTO THE TERMINAL - and exploding AND then zombies jumping out of it to shamble toward Claire and her little kiddy and the sleazebag politician... Yeah, you had a feeling they might all manage to survive this far, didn't you?

Anyway, they manage to make a momentary escape but - naturally - a building full of zombies isn't the easiest place to get out of and the whole place is locked down because this isn't a Romero film and hence, the military aren't inept/chaotic evil. Although, that's somewhat overshadowed by the fact they send in Leon - who is a bad ass - and give him the generic bad asses who KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ZOMBIES.

How many times does this happen? You'll have an expert or some situation where one person/group are shown to know the score... and tell people "Do X". So, it's inevitable that they will then either not do X or do the exact opposite of it. You have to ask WHY they bother to use experts sometimes... Leon's squad is pretty keen to follow this trope because there is a lot of trying to help zombies, shooting zombies anywhere BUT the head... amazement that they can survive a few clips of ammo and this is DESPITE being TOLD. Needless to say, Leon repeatedly saves their sorry asses.

The two groups meet up and escape - the senator does a fantastic self-saving bit that really deserves an award... mostly because he DIDN'T get chowed down upon... generally when these guys go "Fuck ya!" and make their own dash for safety, they're dead sooner than you can say lowlife. Naturally, one of the idiot SWAT-substitute team gets bitten and does the "LEAVE ME BEHIND!" and everyone else gets out in time for tea.

At which point Claire discovers that WilPharma was actually making a vaccine for the T-virus - and she'd been protesting against them! Bitch. They actually have some trucks full of the stuff but wouldn't you know it - they get blown up... and this is all part of a bio-terror plot to expose the truth behind Raccoon city. While it's fair to say that this IS probably a good way to scare the authorities into doing that - you'd think people familiar with what happened would want to make sure they prevented a recurrence?

Regardless, we get about the only "character building" in the story - where we found out the SRT girl is in fact the sister of Curtis, the crazy bio-terrorist... who is rather peeved that the government has covered up Raccoon City because his family died there. It's worth saying that true to most Capcom stuff - the dialogue here is absolutely dire. Whether that's the result of translation coupled with the half-hearted voice acting remains to be seen but it's regularly so awful you'll be laughing at the "drama"... but it's all about the zombies. Actually, the airport is really the last of them.

We have our heroine go to WilPharma. The researcher chap chit-chats with her and after a call from the Senator spills his guts about the G-virus being there and how they wanted to develop a vaccine and so on. Then he goes "Oh... I need to go fix the server." In the most awfully stilted piece of dialogue the entire film has to offer - which is saying something. 7 seconds later he's telling her there's a bomb about to go off and she sees Curtis running through the building... so much for security.

And cue giant explosion. The level of damage is fairly inconsistent but... no one is perfect. Naturally, Leon and SRT girl head over after the phone line cuts out... because this high security research facility has revolving doors. SRT girl finds her brother - who for some idiotic reason thinks injecting the G-virus into himself is a good idea. He has enough time to talk to her a bit before a couple of dozen soldiers appear - watch in shock as he grows a giant eyeball on his shoulder and one of his hands becomes enormous. Seriously, when that starts happening - you start shooting the bastard.

As one might expect - giant mutated things take more than a little automatic fire to slow down, so he plays possum and then pretty much wipes the floor with the troops. Luckily, Leon turns up and manages to get a walkway to drop on the bastard. The building is then about to ignite itself... oh dear and Curtis ISN'T REALLY DEAD! Yes, you're shocked by the revelation... just how is a GIANT EYE so invulnerable? Powers! The powers of a giant mutant zombie eye.

So, the entire facility is apparently built over your standard infinite drop to the CENTRE OF THE EARTH! Not even a little exaggeration. Naturally, as the base has magical means of detecting the virus - it starts "jettisoning" parts of the base... INTO THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH. It must have been some planning application to get that. Naturally, you can guess - evil is killed and all named characters manage to live to see the light of day.

And if you don't see the twist at the end - you're as smart as a zombie.

All-in-all - not an unreasonable effort. Not thrilling and it sags a lot between the two main action sequences... because, this is really just two action sequences stuck together. For Resident Evil fans, a must... zombie fans will find there rather less to get their teeth into here. It's fun enough but rather lacking in substance and zombie killing.

The Fallout series is... one even veteran gamers might consider old. The first game saw an outing back when the number of pixels use to define an entire character would literally not come close to what is in a modern characters little finger. That said, games back then made up for in gameplay what they lacked in graphics - the good ones, anyway.

The premise of the series is a fairly common - if far more elaborately articulated - post-apocalyptic world. The world went the way of nuclear war and everything approaching civilisation as you and I know it, went the way of the dinosaur. Certain people struggled on, in the irradiated world. Various others - lived secluded in big ol' underground bunkers - known as vaults. The first game draws its protagonist from vault 13. Fallout 3 gives us the Lonely Wanderer from Vault 101.

Your father is Liam Neeson - but that shouldn't come as a surprise... This is a Bethesda game! And they're using the Oblivion engine (that being The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion)... And, some jolly good voice actors. In fairness, he doesn't have that much more to say than Patrick Stewart did in the aforementioned... but it's nice that they put the effort in.

So, a Fallout game - naturally, circumstances precipitate your departure from the cosy vault into the rather less hospitable wastelands, this time in the Capital Wastelands... formerly Washington D.C. The post-apocalyptic feel is wonderful, from the ramshackle development of Megaton to the rather more respectable Rivet City... you're never really treated to the kind of visual diversity that you had in The Elder Scrolls but then, this is set in a world approximating our own. So, you don't get distinct designs just for the sake of it - there are differences... but they're just less striking because few of the settlements are really towns, per se.

As with TES games, you're given free reign over what you do. Which means - you can pretty much go off and explore and forget the main quest and explore the wilderness, do sidequests or just mince around to your hearts content. In fairness, the rather limited nature of the main quest - and realistically, the only thing that would stop you from doing it in an afternoon might be the fact you'd need to play for a bit to get the levels and weapons to win through - means that if you want to feel you've got your money's worth... it's probably best you do that anyway.

One of the issues with Mass Effect was... unlike previous Bioware games, you didn't just bump into sidequests in the course of following the main quest - KOTOR is a prime example... but then, it's just to be generally venerated anyway. Now, some might say that in both cases, it's more about freedom. KOTOR was limited to about a half-dozen planets which weren't huge. Mass Effect had literally dozens (excluding the sizeable mission planets) and Fallout 3 has just one big ol' map that you could spend ages combing over but then, that's something of a problem.

After a certain point you have to ask - is it really WORTH it? There are a fair number of weapon types... but one hunting rifle is much the same as another. There is about one "unique" weapon for each type of weapon which will look the same but boast slightly better clip sizes or damage... it won't set your world on fire.

Weapons leads us nicely into combat... This is (sadly) fairly straight forward TES style combat. Which is to say, if you've got ranged attacks - start shooting and if you've got melee... close to bludgeoning distance. It has ALWAYS been the weakest element of TES games but Fallout 3 manages to mitigate it with the staple of the previous two games VATS.

VATS essentially emulates turn-based combat. You have an allocation of action points - different weapons require different more or less - which you can use to target specific body parts of your enemies. These vary depending upon a number of things - your weapon, proficiency with it, its condition and so on. For those that don't care for the not-very-good FPS combat the game offers, this is a very valid alternative... To reference Mass Effect again though, this doesn't offer you fun firefights... because, it's entirely possible to just run out into the open and sit there for a few seconds, in Mass Effect all but the most heavily armoured will die outside of cover. Fallout 3 makes it easy for enemies (and the player) to run at one another. So, there's no real disadvantage to being a melee character. It makes things rather less interesting and realistic.

What is somewhat more interesting is that VATS or no, damage is area specific. Headshots do more damage, you can shoot weapons out of people's hands... impede mobility by shooting their legs. In fact, the game accomodates gory decapitations (because for some reason, a headshot results in a decapitation - mostly) or limbs falling off... or in the case of the "bloody mess" perk. A person being dismembered upon death... that would probably have been more helpful in Dead Space. You're also treated to random slomo shots - everything to the decapiation to a bullets view of the hit. Some people might get bored of it but it's got a variety of different possibilities, so it's not exactly the same thing every time - plus, the laser and plasma weapons have their own special death animations.

Shooting things isn't the only course of action though - at least in quests, during your travels you'll encounter giant critters, Raiders and Super Mutants who communicate exclusive via the medium of stabbings and shootings - many of your tasks will offer you the chance to talk problems out... for good or ill. Naturally, the options available to you are somewhat affected by your stats and demeanour... because Fallout 3 has a karma system.

It's the typical one - where ALL deeds (good and evil) are e-mailed to the entire world. Everything from detonating a nuke in a town to giving water to a beggar or stealing a fork. Something of a standard device but then, if you lose karma for doing bad things when no one is looking... why bother trying to conceal your misdeeds? Obviously, if you go around selling people into slavery and just wantonly killing... that makes sense but it's a common enough game dynamic and not really anything but a niggle.

Fallout 3's problem is that it's never really that... engaging. Yes, it does somewhat tap into the mythos of the Fallout universe but only in the sense of atmosphere. The main quest is of minimal interest and difficulty and of course, once it's done - game over. That's not so surprising though - the level cap for the game is a whopping 20, attributes are capped at 10 and skills at 100 and with even minimal effort, you can max out the stats for your play style long before then.

Most quest rewards are pretty boring and really are only worth doing for the XP. There is the occasional fancy gun or special ability but these tend to be the exceptions. Not quite to the Morrowind level of "Thanks for saving the town... have a paperweight and a punch in the face." non-reward... but sometimes it can feel like it... and the fact that if you REALLY want to explore the game world, you have to just march around and occasionally find camps and such like. There IS the fast travel option but that's only to locations you've visited... and a lot of places you'll have to bump into. It's not MMO grind... it's just a bit boring, wandering through the wastes. There aren't even a half-dozen major settlements... the game considers a "settlement" to be about 3 people. The nature of the wasteland means you're not going to be bumping into big cities... but Fallout 1 & 2 had far more in the way of meaningful settlements and here, they're just... kind of empty and not very interesting.

It's fun for a few hours but games costing what they do these days - not really worth the price of admission. Sure it's pretty and has body parts flying in all directions but we're at a stage where eye candy isn't something to get excited about and ditto flying body parts. It suffers from the flaws of The Elder Scrolls in terms of gameplay but it doesn't really counter with the rich environment and backstory. There are SOME fun quests and it does an excellent job of translating the Fallout world into a gritty first person experience but... wandering around broken cities and ruins is almost certain to make you think of Half Life 2 and Gears of War. It's just... not a lot of anything. It isn't bad, it just lacks anything with which to wow all but the most casual of casual gamers. About all that can be said is that VATS is something of a salve for the very awkward mishmash that TES games call combat.

Finishing games - something that the vast majority of professional reviewers never do... preferring to form opinions based on the size of their backhanders from the publisher and let's be honest if you've not seen a review that was so overhyped that seemed more like a press release and less like a review... you've never spent time at Gamespot or IGN (allegedly) - can sometimes be a disappointment... a crowning moment of awesome or leave you with kind of a lingering sadness, knowing that... it's all over.

Dead Space is one of those genuinely involving gaming experiences where you want to play until you get some answers... it's not really spoiling a lot to say that (despite the fact you have the opiton to replay and find out more stuff upon completion) Dead Space leaves you scratching your head... the gist of what has happened is obvious but many details are vague.

The game seemed to have unfortunately picked up the title of "Half-Life... IN SPACE!" which really isn't fair at all. First off - Dead Space isn't even an FPS. It's all played out (for good or ill) in the third person. Secondly - it's not a shooter game. It's survival horror. Half-Life and it's spawn have had their creepy and tense moments but you're seldom counting rounds or taking care to off enemies in the most conservative manner possible.

You'll seldom - if ever - have a wealth of ammo in Dead Space and even when you do, it can all slip through your fingers very easily... and while in Half Life one would often laugh in the face of a few dozen enemies... one can often find that the lack of ammunition makes for few fights to be considered "easy"... although - setting difficulty to hard might have something to do with that.

And of course, the not very often named enemies - "necromorphs" - are in and of themselves the reason one may not have a bag full of ammo... unlike pretty much all other enemies... they're not really bothered if you pump a mag into their chest and even decapitation doesn't bother them too much. As you'll learn very quickly in the game - otherwise your gaming experience will be rather tedious... you've got to dismember them. A strange achilles heel... but it makes the game that much more interesting because you're not just indiscrimately firing guns at people and expecting them to drop dead.

Of course - this is survival horror... so, you've got a few things going for you. Mainly, your shiny space armour can be upgraded (more hitpoints, more inventory space, less damage taken... and more air... that one is pretty useless) and all your weapons can get improved clip size/damage/reload etc. which you get from power nodes... of course, this does force you to choose weapons - and you can only carry 4 anyway... you get money too. So you can spend it on ammo, though generally the suit upgrades and power nodes are a better investment than ammo...

If you want a comparison - this game is a lot like System Shock 2... Your gun doesn't break after shooting it twice... there's no need to hack but... well, there are plenty of plot parallels and the the enemies are oft similar. Yahtzee seemed to compare it to Doom 3... but beyond the obvious notion of hell being unleashed (in this case, entirely metaphorically - vs. the very literal version in Doom 3) it's not a valid comparison. Oh, sure - logs all over the place to show the things that led to it all - but that was very much taken from SS2 to start with... so, let's not toss additional pretenders in... this game is very much System Shock 2's spiritual successor. Much, much more than upstart Bioshock.

A couple of levels into Bioshock, you could laugh at the enemies - murder them easily and just generally not worry about anything but Big Daddies... who you engaged at your discretion and even on hard weren't THAT worrisome with proper preparation. Dead Space seldom allows you such luxuries. Enemies appear from air vents that are EVERYWHERE, creepy music pervades and they like to sometimes play dead. In fact, the AI is such that even if you run away from the reanimated carcasses, they'll sometimes still follow you. Not to mention the fact they'll sometimes play dead and of course - drag themselves along the floor to get you.

The story involved is fairly interesting - if only for the mystery involved. You're still asking questions at the end. With SS2, you pretty much knew what the deal was midgame. Dead Space gives you a notion but there's a LOT unanswered even after the end credits roll. It's nice to be able to walk around a game and NOT have a character pop up and spew forth a long expositional dialogue. In fact, some of the logs are in rooms you have to access with power nodes - presumably to entice you to play through again to get a better idea of the events of the game. Which you can actually do - WITH all your equipment from the first try.

It's a nice touch, as improving weapons is a fairly important thing to do in the game - given that as you progress, enemies become rather more recalcitrant about actually... y'know dying... again. As well as the weapons (you're only allowed four and... it's fair to say that the fact the game seems to have a bias toward the ripper - read, space chainsaw -means the choices become fairly obvious), you can upgrade your stasis module (make enemies and machinery slow down... NOT bullet time), kinesis module (NOT the gravity gun - about all it's good for is moving specific game objects and getting out of reach ammo) and your suit. Which means you've some greater level of choice in gameplay... although, in fairness - if you don't save up for the suit upgrades, the suit improvements and such... you're fucked. At least on the hard difficulty. Which any reasonably experienced gamer should use... because it's a decent challenge level... Although, PC gamers will NOT appreciate having to wrestle with the 3rd person perspective, which is at times - a greater foe than the enemies.

Speaking of the enemies - they come in a multitude of shapes and sizes. Most of them prefer closing to melee range to jam various spines into you, with actual ranged attacks being the exception - from the smaller, weaker enemies. Which is just as well, as the larger enemies can sometimes off you with casual ease. Especially the mini-boss characters, who will just go straight to the "I'M EATING YOU!" cut-scene death.

The dismemberment makes for an interesting variation on the standard playbook of either shooting things in the head or just pumping the bastards full of enough rounds to kill them... and it's probably the first PC game that can truly be dubbed "survival horror" without the words "Resident Evil" involved... not that RE was really a big PC title. All, in all - if you like survival horror, sci-fi and so on - it's definitely the creepy game for you and really shouldn't be sullied by comparisons to FPS games. It has that element to it - but it's really a lot more.

JJ Abrams warned fans that his Star Trek would not be their Star Trek... in fact, he pretty much said he was going to take the mutilated carcasses of the franchise and play Frankenstein because THIS IS NOT A REBOOT. Which seems fairly stupid - the franchise was worn out and something entirely new may well have been to the benefit of it, rather than simply going out and making the cast younger and edgier.

Much was made of the teaser trailer released some time ago, where people are seen spot welding the Enterprise together, on the face of a planet... which - surprise! - vexed a lot of Trek fans who pointed out that we don't even weld modern ships together these days and that it's pretty stupid to build a ship on a planet... presumably because all previous instances of construction have been shown in orbit... which makes sense, given that the majority of ships in Star Trek have never shown any great affinity for landing on planets.

As one might imagine, the release of the new trailer has provoked a new round of concern and speculation. The greatest concern seems to be pretty obvious. This looks a LOT like a Star Wars trailer. A great deal of action, explosions and fisticuffs that put it more in the territory of summer blockbuster/popcorn movie than in traditional Star Trek territory.

Of course - if anything - this addresses what must be one of the main failings of the franchise to date... that they're prone to be ponderous introspection and a pretentiousness that often led them to be rather boring... only die hard Trek fans could really sit through the seemingly endless hours of tedium that are Star Trek: The Motion Picture. Even with the now infamously misleading editing of trailers, it seems unlikely that the new Trek film will have to worry about a dearth of action and in many ways, the fact that it was so easy to equate the Next Generation films with episodes was oft to their detriment - especially in terms of general appeal.

The other questionable decision is naturally the fact we have scenes with young Kirk and young Spock. No, not the 90210 aged types. We're talking Anakin podracing age. The opening shot is Kirk in a car (AN ACTUAL CAR) driving toward a cliff, before leaping out at the last minute and proclaiming his name. Little is ever really gained by showing bad ass protagonists as kids.

Terminator 2 got away with it because we'd really only HEARD about John Connor. He was never introduced as an adult character... and as a teen, he was actually pretty decent - and we're just ignoring that Sarah Connor Chronicles happened because it's canon defilement of the 1st degree.

It's not fair to judge a film on the basis of a trailer but Trek fans are already foaming at the mouth that this seems to be action, action, action. Perhaps what set Star Trek apart from much of what came before and what came after was the fact it wasn't predisposed to that. Oh, yes - even the original series had its fair share of fisticuffs and space battles but that was never the thrust of the show... and depending on what you like to believe, it was the necessity of fisticuffs and space battles that led to the prosaic, formulaic blandness of Voyager and Enterprise.

Trek fans are... often rather undiscerning - the fact some will still defend Voyager tooth and nail should be proof of that - but this seems to have irked those who are beyond the "any trek is good trek" mob. This was a fairly predictable moment from the time Abrams came on-board, he likes pretentious pseudo-intellectual stuff (just look at Lost)... which suits Trek down to a tee... but at the same time, he likes lots of big explosions and Mary Sues (just look at Alias).

What will the 11th Star Trek film be? Only time will tell... and whether it'll be a good or bad film remain to be seen... but it seems likely to be far more popcorn that Star Trek.

Good TV shows are fleeting things... to be treasured while they last... even seemingly untouchable shows like Lost, Prison Break and Heroes can quickly succumb to the high bar their own first seasons sets.

The easiest way to explain True Blood without giving too much away is...

It's a world much like our own... the only difference being - vampires are real and have revealed themselves to the world at large after the advent of a synthetic blood product called "Trublood", which allows them to be sustained without feeding on humans. As one might guess, this leads to a number of tensions - which form the backdrop for the story.

Much of the story focuses around Anna Pacquin's character - Sookie - a psychic girl, waiting tables in the deep South and the events surrounding her friends and family... To say more would be saying too much...

The show effortlessly balances drama and humour, with liberal helpings of suspense (the kind of fairly regular cliffhangers Heroes had in it's first season) and sex and violence and all that jazz. The vampire aspect is pervasive but not overwhelming... in fact, there's something of a magical realism here... this IS a world where things considered supernatural dwell but - much like Heroes - it's never to play second fiddle to the subject of interest... although, often the two are interwoven wonderfully.

The show masters magical realism in a way that few others can dream of... and in many respects, you can see this as being a suitable rebuttal to the notion of the ass kicking girl fantasy - namely Xena and Buffy and the imitators as numerous as they were unmemorable - where one felt that the comedy and slapstick of everything was upped to a point where it was clear that it was all rather tongue in cheek.

True Blood is... rather more mature - which isn't to say it lacks humour, far from it... but it's a rather more serious animal. Not that Buffy didn't love to indulge in endless vampire wangst but with True Blood it feels like something more than fodder for fangirls. There is a depth to the characters that means, they're not just "troubled vampire" or "psychic southerner"... and really, that's what puts this show a country mile above anything else to do with vampires.

Bender's Big Score was... a pretty good addition to Futurama... it fitted together nicely as a story and didn't get the "this is really just 4 episodes glued together" feeling that some of the Family Guy "movies" have had... although, one could argue that Family Guy episodes play like a dozen gags and pop culture references glued together...

Beast With A Billion Backs was considerably less enjoyable. The latest effort, Bender's Game, is in some ways better and in some ways worse than it... but they average out to be about the same and both short of Bender's Big Score by some distance.

The basic premise of the story is a parody of Dungeons & Dragons and Lord of the Rings... it's Futurama does fantasy, essentially. Which in itself works fine but it takes so LONG to get to what feels like the ACTUAL story, that you're halfway through the film by the time the set up is out the way.

The set up is that Mom is jacking up the price of dark matter... which leads to some fairly uninspired exposition and the paper thin reason for Futurama goes fantasy... a MAGICAL D-12! Given that it's hugely contrived - it seems a shame that they took so long to get around to the fantasy realm, which is quite interesting and not used enough.

Fans of the show will probably enjoy it but really, it should have been a lot better.

Dead Set - the name a play on words... with one being the literal situation of the show and the other, meaning motivated toward an objective - is a zombie show that falls somewhere between Sean of the Dead and 28 Days Later. Comparisons to both are inevitable as the show has some humour in it and of course, the increasingly popular track and field zombies.

In five instalments, the show catalogued your average track and field zombie outbreak - the twist being that the protagonists are all in some way involved with the infamous reality TV show Big Brother... because the writer is a well known loather of these shows, there was an expectation of satire... but beyond a few references and zombies dully staring at screens of the show, there isn't much... there is certainly some humour but for the most part, this is played as a fairly straight horror film.

Things kick off on eviction night... as one might expect, someone does ol' stupid act. It's really 28 days later because the infection is nigh on INSTANT. Cue track and field zombies. Including Davina McCall having her throat ripped out...

This sets into motion the dynamic of the things... the witless non-entities of Big Brother (and some of the production staff) stuck in a zombie apocalypse. There are some jokes but mostly straight horror.

The real problem with running zombies is... they kill tension. You have a bunch of people lumbering toward you? That's slow and intense. Running, it's a bit - oh, it's all over! Especially when they're magical zombies. The regular kind, they can run forever. No real need to eat, sleep, drink...

As it goes, the show is pretty good. It's fair to say, while it's not even tipping the scales at 90 minutes, at times - it feels like it's stretching the material a little thin but that's only at the low points... When the show is on form - it's firing on all cylinders and it DOES build momentum. The times it feels weak are toward the start.... overall, it's a fun zombie film.

Not content with having alienated everyone over the age of 12 as far as Star Wars goes, George Lucas continues his relentless crusade to milk the cash cow.

Someone has said, "You can't ruin Star Wars"... in a sense, that's true.

Regardless of the loathsome prequels... we have (another) cartoon. This time, in CGI. For those who have stopped paying attention - and who can be blamed - this was all launched by a film, setting up the basic premise of Anakin with an apprentice... who, as with most things jammed into continuity is - naturally - never mentioned.

As with the previous - rather wonderful - Clone Wars cartoon, this is set in the eponymous conflict and so... action abounds. Unlike the cartoon, Clone Wars gives more prominence to the actual clones. They actually take off their helmets and demonstrate some personality here, which is good because they're sufficiently competent to be likeable.

The films demonstrated the rather monumental idiocy of the battledroids - here, it's turned up a notch and definitely played for laughs... it DOES humanise them a bit more but then, droids AND clones are both killed, so... we're reckless with all synthetic life, it seems.

The premise of the film is simple - if pointless - after a little introduction of Anakin and his new apprentice - Asoka - we find out that Jabba's son has been kidnapped. Why does this matter? The Hutts control a lot of trading routes. If the Jedi rescue the infant Hutt, they get access to those trade routes or something.

The most obvious thing to notice with the film - and cartoon - is that it takes some time to get used to these stringless marionettes. Their expressions are extremely limited and at times, you could be forgiven for thinking that this was just a game that you were playing... except that they're probably look less stiff and lifeless.

Despite that, the quality of acting is considerably better than pretty much everything in the prequel trilogy... not that that is particularly difficult. Regardless, the inexorable march toward being a purely eight and under franchise continues... There's pretty much no character development, there's the inexplicable pink R2 and of course, the plot is laughable.

Essentially, there's just a progression of the film from one action sequence to another... and yet, it all feels rather hollow. The battledroids are 10 times the fodder stormtroopers were and even the clones seem to be more than capable of taking out dozens of them with ease...

The cartoon is somewhat more interesting - although, unlike it's animated counterpart Grievous is again somewhat bungling and cowardly... One has to wonder how the Seperatists are really able to support their war effort. Or why... Oh, obviously the manipulations of Palpatine are behind it all but there's still little sense of underlying causes beyond "BECAUSE!" Which is rather too endemic in the Star Wars prequels, people are idiotic or gullible to forward the plot... so, it would probably be rather too much to ask the spawn of the prequel franchise to try and explain away the nonsensical war.

The action doesn't always focus on Obi-wan or Anakin. We've had episodes about clones, other Jedi... Jarjar (sigh) and so on. So, there's a diverse focus... but that's presumably because, there's only so much more than can be done in the Clone Wars period.

How does it compare to the highly acclaimed - and straight forward awesome - Clone Wars cartoon? It seems almost unfair to compare them. The cartoon was great, it actually managed to take the card board cutouts that Lucas hamfistedly stuck into a trilogy more geared toward shifting merchandise than telling a story and made them INTERESTING! In a couple of the episodes, we had more development of Anakin and his fall from grace than in the entirety of the prequels... the CGI fare is markedly more standard Saturday morning fare.

If you're even marginally interested in Star Wars - it's worth watching and it does include some pretty cool fights and action sequences but it lacks the characterisation and special X-factor that made the cartoon so enjoyable and memorable. That, coupled with the puppet-like CGI means that this may be fun but will struggle to rival it's predecessor in the affections of viewers.

Autumn - or Fall if you're so inclined - is a season where the days shorten, the nights draw in, the sun weakens and the leaves on the trees turn a dozen hues of gold and rust. It's also time for new seasons for TV to start! Making an an unwelcome return, Smallville season 8 - so, now 5 too many - lumbers onto the scene with about as much energy as a hibernating sloth.

Smallville started out as an attempt to re-energise the live action televisual fortunes of Superman after the rather dire New Adventures of Superman, featuring Dean Cain and Terry Hatcher... it was rather low budget and cheesy in that early 90s way... the first season was passable because they pretty much set up the Lex vs. Superman dynamic nicely but after that, they kind of lost the plot.

Which is really the problem that Smallville has had for some time... It wasn't exactly a show that hit the ground running... but over the first season there was a gradual buildup and that really worked for seasons two and three which culminated in a rather sublime finale. Everything was up in the air...

And then season four happened and in a single episode, everything that had been built crumbled like a sandcastle before an oncoming tide. The cliffhanger was lazily resolved in a binge of deus ex that all too quickly restored the status quo - minus Pete. Except of course, we just had a bunch of stupid stuff happen and the bottom kind of fell out of the show.

In truth, there are two problems that arise for any long running show. It either stays the same or changes abruptly - either in terms of cast or format or style... The secret is walking the line, letting a cast evolve, letting the focus shift... Farscape was only around for four seasons but managed a considerable evolution of its cast and format - but never in a jarring way.

After leaving the safety of high school, Smallville seemed unsure of what to do. Season 8 has seemingly dismantled the support apparatus of its eponymous setting, Clark moving to Metropolis to become a journalist... Not only that, Lex is currently AWOL (replaced by some sexy CEO chick), Jimmy seems to have been strangely absent (replaced by a much more ruggedly handsome chap) despite having just gotten engaged and it seems Green Arrow is back on the rota while Maw Kent and Lana finally drop off the radar.

That's quite a sizeable change from the original cast... currently, only Chloe and Clark are left as regulars. Although, it's fair to say that they've somewhat dominated the cast for some time... and with Clark's parents out the picture, Lionel Luthor dead and so on... It's pretty much down to the irritating Lois to fill that void and prevent Chloe and Clark from just driving the show entirely by the themselves... although, they have effectively been the dynamo behind the show for some time. Chloe is the computer boffin who just hands Clark the information he needs, when required - and then he bursts in and shouts at people.

It's a show that still fills its remit - it's 40ish minutes where your brain can go into sleep mode and you'll still maybe get some enjoyment but the excitement? It's gone and you can never help but feel that the writers don't want to give Clark flight because that would be the end of his development. Oh, maybe he's a tad less naive than he used to be but he's not really changed. He's still duplicitous and wholesome. That's about as far as the character goes. Oh, sure - we can toss in the Lois/Clark angle... their love/hate relationship has been there since she was crowbarred in.

A corpse staggering along... let's hope this season is the last.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles was never a show that was going to have a happy ending... And it seems the end is nigh and not a moment too soon. Some might blame the Writer's Strike... but really, that should have given the producers time to sit back and think.

Because this show was in need of a dire rethink. Granted, it may have effectively retconned Terminator 3 out of existence (T3 wasn't... horrible - it was just an unnecessary addition, the next logical step was post-Judgement Day) but beyond that it was less than useful. On a TV budget, you're just never going to be able to recreate the kind of special effects that made Terminator the success it was.

Stargate is the obvious parallel to draw... but Stargate was a much easier concept to adapt. With a few minor tweaks to the continuity, it became a dial-a-plot device. Terminator never afforded a TV spin-off that kind of oppurtunity - nor should it have. Yet, we had SCC anyway... but it seems clear that the exact notion of WHAT was going to be done in the show was less than clear to those involved in its production.

They did have a recurring nemesis in Chromarty but really, he was as inconsistent as Cameron. No disrespect to Summer Glau but does she really do anything else except the monotone scary ass kicking girl? She's ok at it but really, it did not help the seeming aspirations of this show and it's conspicious desire to be Whedonesque... at least, one has to hope that this show was trying to immitate Buffy... because, if they just stuck in the high school element for no reason - then the show was even more listless than it appears.

There were no definite concepts... in fact, the obvious reason for the retcon of Terminator 3 was that T3 stated what seems fairly obvious... that the conflict between man and machine IS inevitable - as a consequence of John Connor AND the Terminators being created by predestination paradox. SSC essentially tossed that out the window and said Skynet was just some random assortment of chess programs and traffic cameras.

We were spared the "Terminator of the week" but thus far there have been... four in total. None of them really that inspiring of terror - mostly because they seem to take about ten seconds to decide that it's a good idea to kill John Connor... which is, just about enough time for some to hit them with a car or something... because you know what? They're fighting GOD DAMNED ROBOTS FROM THE FUTURE WITH 9MM PISTOLS!

Those things aren't even that great at killing people, so is it any surprise their efficacy against time travelling killing machines is akin to that of a water pistol?

With a plot that didn't know where it was going, a bunch of characters who didn't resemble in the slightest their big screen equivalents, a low budget "Terminator vision lit" that looked awful... This show had a future about as rosy as that of humanity in it's own continuity.

Despite the somewhat questionable title of "Wolverine And The X-men", the new Marvel cartoon - featuring... well, the X-men (oh and Wolverine!) is actually rather good. The animation is slick and smooth... and it's really a cut above the rather insipid animation we've been seeing in the West for many years.

The story starts a year after Professor X and Jean Gray disappear and the X-men have pretty much disbanded. Wolverine is pretty much riding around, doing his loner thing. As one might guess, events lead him to realise that Xavier or no - the world needs the X-men.

Thus far we've had a good mix of foreshadowing, action, various mutant cameos - Boom Boom, Pyro, Colossus, Night Crawler and Dust just in the first episode. So, it certainly seems to have been worth the wait... and certainly far superior to the rather embarrassing X-men Evolution... Of course, where that show went wrong was that it made almost the entire cast about 14, except for Wolverine and the Professor... It seems that a more mature class (it's mentioned Bobby Drake is over 18) has thankfully prevailed this time.

It's clear that the series is building to the ever popular concept of X-dom, that of a conflict between mutants and humans... interestingly, although the title sequence includes Wolverine et al taking on a classic Sentinel, currently the anti-mutant forces are just guys with guns... although, the second episode introduces a scorpion like Sentinel prototype. One has to ask who thought that purple and pink would strike fear into the hearts of mutants...

Regardless, we've got plenty of elements at play here. We've got Rogue joining the Brotherhood, the lingering questions over the disappearance of Xavier and Jean... the still mostly disbanded X-men, the clearly oncoming war against the anti-mutant forces of the MRD and so on... there's just an awful lot that has been touched upon in just two episodes... but despite the fact they've introduced these elements - one doesn't feel overwhelmed, merely that things are building... some more quickly than others.

Definitely a show worth watching for any who had lost faith in Marvel cartoons, or just Western animation in general.

Marvel - in contrast to DC - is a veritable mass media machine these days. Not only have they seemingly dozens of films in the pipeline - both animated and live action - but they're also working on more than a few animated series...

But their latest foray into the direct-to-DVD market that is ever so popular these days is "Next Avengers"... If the name isn't familiar to you, that's probably because this particular DVD had a few names - although the concept never really changed.

It's a pretty straight-forward idea, really - and one that's been done before, though... never at any length in the animated medium. Anyway - the premise, the Avengers are great and all. Save the world, bring peace and harmony etc. Then they settle down, have some kids... shortly after that Ultron pretty much wipes the floor with everyone, kids are flown to safety etc.

Things start some time later with the kids in their adolescence... we've got Thor Girl, Captain America Jr., Black Panther Kid... and Wasp Boy. They're all being looked after by an old Tony Stark... and are blissfully unaware of what's going on in the outside world - despite the fact Stark pretty much tells them through the medium of bedtime stories. As one might expect, things do not continue so peacefully. Vision comes back damaged and the kids accidentally activate the "Iron Avengers".

Why Stark made the Iron Avengers when the greatest threat faced by humanity is currently a robot capable of hacking pretty much any piece of technology is never explained... but he's a billionaire supergenius, so he probably just has that kind of stuff lying around. Anyway, as one might guess a half dozen robot blasting off at top speed throw something of a spanner in the works as regards hiding.

So, Ultron flies out to finish the job. Stark sends the kids away and does his Iron Man thing. Vision is all for taking the kids to the Savage Lands but runs out of power. The kids decide they should go and destroy Ultron... because, well - he just wiped the fucking floor with all their parents who were at the top of their game... and there were eight of them. Still, they are children so logic presumably gets trumped by youthful optimism/naivity.

Anyway, they head to Ultron City and start smashing robots... actually, just Thor Girl does that because she's the only one of them that's actually vaguely useful in terms of ass kicking. As one might expect, 4 kids vs. a city of robots is not exactly a winning formula. Turns out that Hawkeye's boy is here too (yes, this is a pretty male slanted cast) and after the classic "grudging acceptance" thing, he stops being such a downer and turns up to help the kids in their plan to rescue Stark from Ultron.

It all comes down to the kids tricking Ultron into paying a visit to an old Bruce Banner - who is still the Hulk... As one might guess, Hulk does some smashing and things are all happily ever after... well, except all their parents are still dead... except Thor. He's just being an absent father or something... had to go off and look after Asgard, yadda, yadda. Fortunately, he's paying some kind of attention and saves his daughter when she starts freezing in space.

All in all, it's a slickly animated piece... it seems that Marvel have decided that they want a decent quality of animation in their stuff now and it's really about time. Western animation was really just starting to look like it was for the under 5s and the mentally challenged. As with most of these things, it's not even making the magical 90 minutes... but the story is reasonably paced and as this is clearly aimed primarily at a younger audience, it makes sense that it's not some lengthy odessy.

It's fun, the action is decent and the characters are likeable... and really, it's so short that you're fairly unlikely to have any opportunity to get bored with it. Nothing earth shattering just the usual but enjoyably packaged and suitably superhero flavoured. Not a patch on Wolverine & the X-men but still quite fun.

Brendan Fraser as a scientist of any description seems about as likely as Einstein moonlighting a professional wrestler... yet, the premise of this remake of Journey to the Centre of the Earth is that he's a professor of geophysics. The long and short of this by the numbers action remake is... by the numbers.

Brendan Fraser's nephew comes for a visit... his mother brings a box of Brendan's brother's stuff. He disappeared ten years ago and blah blah blah. Fraser is basically trying to keep on the crazy work of his brother and as it turns out, he thought that the Journey to the Centre of the Earth was in fact, a factual account... which gives the film free license to copy many features of it verbatim, albeit with fancier special effects.

So, Fraser discovers geological conditions or something like that are identical to those when his brother disappeared he decides to take his nephew off to him with Iceland. They find the daughter of some guy that knew his brother... blah, blah, blah. Naturally, they end up trapped underground and after a run away mine car ride - they fall through the ground and end up... IN THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH!

It really feels like they rushed it... obviously, they couldn't have made this a serious exploration... because, well - it's Brendan Fraser. Having him head something serious AND scientific... people would have probably laughed up their internal organs. So, it's something of a down and dirty, no-frills wait until they get TO THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH! As it takes about 20 minutes to get to this point, there's not a great deal of time to waste on things like characterisation... because by science, this film will be the mandatory 90 minutes or it won't be anything!

So, really - there's just a progression from one CGI fest to another... but then, really - that's what this film was based around. A special effects extravaganza with Fraser screaming and hitting things a lot - presumably so we'd forget he was a scientist. We get glowy birds flying around, the giant mushrooms, the sea (with plenty of fishies)... but this doesn't really make any sense... The temperature is climbing and it's established this is what killed Fraser's dear ol' brother... yet, there's plenty of life in here... so presumably it can just magically survive temperatures hot enough to boil water...

Anyway, we get some carnivorous plants, floating rocks... and then a giant magical geyser that helps the team escape. Not to mention the mandatory facilitation of possible sequels.

Not particularly awe inspiring but you can't fault it in the sense that... it does pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. It's 90 minutes of brainless action involving Brendan Fraser... that maybe a redundancy but still, it's what's to be expected and it's what is delivered. No one will win any Oscars for this film but it's an inoffensive way to pass an hour and a half between now and death...

Dark Knight was never going to have an easy time of it. Batman Begins set a high bar and the hype for Dark Knight and the building anticipation of it began almost as soon as the premier ended. Combined with the untimely and unfortunate demise of rising star Heath Ledger, it's hardly surprising that Dark Knight had such massive box office success in its opening weekend... what IS surprising is the general agreement - the film lived up to the hype.

Heath Ledger's performance is truly excellent... which, given the strong portrayal by Nicholson in the 1989 Burton film is saying something. It's new... and very much in keeping with the nature of the atmosphere Nolan has created. Very concerned with realism and a dark, brooding atmosphere... this results in the Joker being simultaneously very different from previous incarnations but very much the same and similarly, Two Face - whose appearance in the film wasn't even touched upon in the trailers - is done in a way that bears little resemblance to the comic book treatments but remains true to the character.

Some might be concerned about the replacement of Katie Holmes... from a continuity point of view... it's unfortunate but in a more circumspect sense? Her substitute is infinitely more suited to the role, so the change of actress is a net benefit... had Holmes been playing against Ledger's sublime Joker, it would have been almost as embarrassing as everyone in Superman Returns trying to act with the talent of Kevin Spacey.

There are a few twists in the film... but most of them are fairly obvious to those paying attention but sitll enjoyable... and overall, the only real failing of the film is maybe that it's pacing at times is a bit on the slow side but overall, the almost universal adoration it received is well deserved and certainly - this deserved to punt the tedious Spiderman 3 into the long grass because it surpasses it in every facet of its existence.

When George "It's my story" Lucas embarked upon the Star Wars prequels... Stars Wars fans rejoiced in collective orgasm. For years fans of the original trilogy had speculated about the first three chapters in the Star Wars epic - all of them dying to see the origins of the characters they dearly loved... the fall of Anakin Skywalker, the Clone Wars... all these things.

Perhaps people should have been a bit wary after Return of the Jedi, when apparently darker takes - wherein Han Solo died - were rejected... and Wookies were replaced with Ewoks. Or the somewhat limp wristed ending to The Empire Strikes Back - which had enormous potential for some manner of cliffhanger ending... beyond Han being encased in carbonite... although, in fairness - it remains above and beyond all other Star Wars films by orders of magnitude.

So where did it all go wrong?

In the overall sense… there are several failings.

The most obvious is that – despite twenty years – George Lucas fucked up. He had twenty years to get something that would mesh with the original trilogy and yet, there are several glaring contradictions that are just idiotic. The relationship between Amidala and Anakin, his “fall”, Amidala’s death, Anakin builds C3PO… the list is long.

The second most obvious? The Phantom Menace is pointless. It introduces only ONE character of merit and kills him… Just imagine the original trilogy starting with Luke dosing around and doing nothing much… It’s clear that in his way, Lucas tried to parallel A New Hope… but sadly, he wasn’t quite able to pull it off… because, truth be told – he wasn’t stealing directly from Samurai films.

The third – there is just so little to recommend these films. Star Wars was never exactly winning people over by virtue of its story telling. It was an epic story, played out across a galaxy in turmoil. The Prequels are about a TRADE DISPUTE, not just that but the dialogue is so awful and so utterly unconvincing… people act illogically because that’s what’s required of them. Even the acting is awful… and to be honest the total prevalence of CGI makes the term “special effects” useless.

The Phantom Menace:

Plot wise? As above stated – the film serves no real purpose. Sure, it introduces the characters but… that didn’t require a whole film.. why? Because the only one that has any real depth DIES! Liam Neeson is about the only person in the whole film who acts worth a damn.

There’s no real comparison to a galaxy in turmoil over civil war, compared to… A TRADE DISPUTE!

And Anakin… AS A CHILD! The baddest brother in the galaxy? As a douche bag white kid? As if him being a happy old white guy in Return of the Jedi wasn’t enough of a kick in the teeth. Not to mention he’s Mary Sue’d up… he can build C3PO… he can build a pod… why? WHY?! There’s no reason for these things… well, the pod allows us to have one of the prequel trademarks.

Scenes that feel like video games… that you can’t play! Presumably because many of them go on to be part of games you can play… regardless, it’s not really good to watch. No one really engages with what’s happening because… nothing is happening for them. They’re playing jump around in front of the green canvas… so, almost every one of these scenes – and they all drag on for considerable amounts of time – has people looking rather indifferent to quite dangerous situations. Of course, the quality of acting in the prequels isn’t exactly legendary at the best of times but these scenes serve only to highlight it…

And then of course, while there are the bloated CGI action scenes… we also have the CGI nightmare of Jarjar… it’s hard to tell whether Lucas became so surrounded by yes-men and fanboys that he simply thought that this was genuinely a good idea or whether he’d merely grown so contemptuous he wanted to show the world he could give loyal fans the one fingered salute and still produce a box office smash – or so combination of the two… but regardless, it’s hard to cover any new ground as far as Jarjar hating goes. It’s all been said.

Then of course we have probably the most controversial and stupid aspects of the entire Prequels debacle. The fact the Force is apparently a bunch of teeny tiny little organisms in someone’s blood – telling them what to do… uh, ok… and somehow that relates to their power level… why no one ever thinks to harvest them and inject a bunch… And the fact that said teeny tiny little organisms decided to have a party in Anakin’s mother’s womb and conceive the little douche… the latter may have served some purpose if it wasn’t NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN. Like many aspects introduced in the Prequels, it’s never an issue in the original trilogy and hell, after five minutes – it’s not even an issue in the film it was mentioned it.

And of course, we’ve got everyone being motivated by idiocy. The Trade Federation are a fairly ill defined entity but it’s hard to understand why they have an army as the name implies they’re a corporate organisation of some sort… but the reason they decide to occupy a planet – then pretend they didn’t – is never clarified.

Similarly, Amidala’s course of action isn’t exactly logical. She runs off to Coruscant and when she doesn’t INSTANTLY get help, decides to go back to Naboo… ok, that helps thin the ranks of the Gungans but it’s the singular most illogical course of action for a leader to take. Her duty is to try and get the occupation of her planet ended and her best chance of that is with the Republic, not heading back to a warzone… Which doesn’t even BEGIN to cover quite why they take a child along with them.

And of course… Anakin taking out the control ship. Shields in Star Wars now seem to act like… actually, it’s impossible to say really, they seem to just do whatever they’re required to do by the plot. So, while the idiotically dressed Noob pilots fly around bitching about how the shields are too strong for them to penetrate – Anakin manages to FLY INSIDE THE SHIP. You’d think there’d be something to stop someone doing that… especially as the hangar seems to lead right to the reactor bay… it feels a lot like Lucas felt a need to draw parallels between Luke and Anakin… but while there was quite a lot of tension and build up to Luke blowing up the Death Star… this is just a little kid being irritating and managing to blow something up… by accident. Which magically stops the droid army. Talk about a glass jaw.

The fight with Darth Maul is actually great – except for the stupid way that Darth Maul is offed. He’s supposed to be a bad ass Sith Lord and he just stands there – looking at Obi Wan, jump up, grab Quigon’s lightsabre and then cut him in half. He still looks surprised when he’s falling in two pieces. Again, it’s just something where someone is an idiot because that’s required.

And then we wrap up with a camera shot that makes it obvious to all but the most mentally retarded of viewers that PALPATINE IS SIDIOUS. That was probably obvious, what with any Star Wars fan worth their salt knowing that it was Emperor Palpatine… but then, that simply makes the manipulations less subtle… He pretty much says “Hey, Amidala – why not impeach the current Supreme Chancellor, then I’ll fix everything by being a bad ass!” Which – by the way – happens in about five minutes.


Attack Of The Clones:

So… for some reason, an immensely inept assassin is trying to kill Amidala… It’s never really explained WHY – presumably the Trade Federation aren’t too keen on her but there’s no real reason for them to hate her that much… and this is something like how many years after the events of Episode 1?

Anyway, the immensely inept assassin detonates a bomb on Amidala’s ship AFTER she lands… You’d think that SPACE would be a good place to detonate a bomb but apparently not. It doesn’t matter anyway as Amidala has pulled her ol’ switcharoo again… So her handmaiden gets toasted… who cares?

Lucas said he wanted this film to be a love story… to say that it was a failure is kind of like saying that Jarjar Binks wasn’t a big hit – and one of the few things to show Lucas actually paid any attention to the criticisms of the first film is that he has a vastly diminished role in this one.

First off, Anakin might now be full grown but he’s basically still the same whiney little douchebag he was before. Not only that, he regularly bitches people out for his own failings, espouses a dictatorship and, let’s not forget – a bit of wholesale slaughter of men, women and children. Yet despite this, the age gap and the fact she met him at an eight year old… Senator Amidala can’t wait to marry the fucker.

The big problem though is… the Separatists. Why do they want to break away from the Republic? Why is the Republic ready to go to war? The reasoning for the war is essentially non-existent because the Separatists are commercial entities – why would they WANT a fight? Wars are expensive to wage. Also, isn’t the Republic democratic? Shouldn’t these people just be petitioning to get out and then be let out? It’s not as if the Republic seems to be a particularly strong entity… they didn’t give a flying fuck when Naboo got invaded, after all.

Also, what’s with Count Doofus? He basically spills his guts to Obiwan about the plan… treachery or manipulation – either way it’s a ham fisted effort. No wonder Palpatine has him sliced and diced. He’s either treacherous or grossly incompetent.

Not to mention the “investigation” into the clone army lasts all of five minutes… they make a big deal out of it. THEN FORGET IT. Whatever happened to their concern about a plot to destroy the Jedi?

And did Amidala suffer brain damage? What kind of fucktard puts Jarjar Binks in charge? Of course, she DID marry a fuckwit like Anakin so, clearly she’s an idiot.

Jango Fett? What’s the real point – beyond giving the fanboys something to think about on long winter nights… It’s pretty pointless and making him a Maori is just… idiotic. He’s introduced, has a fight or two and then gets beheaded… guess you should have had a neck piece in there, ol’ chap.

There’s also an issue with the fight on Geonosis… first of all… even if the Republic ships dropped out of hyperspace right on top of the enemy – they’d have SURELY known to the point they got more of a warning that the enemy merely turning up in the sky – it seems logical to assume there’d be some kind of space battle given all the Federation ships in orbit. Not to mention the idiocy of having a big part of your ship planetside…

Revenge Of The Sith:

Really Attack of the Clones ends where the Prequels should begin and Revenge of the Sith where it should end… Which is to say, the Clone Wars should be what this trilogy covers but it really doesn’t even touch upon it.

Anyone that watched the seminal Clone Wars cartoons will know this begins where it left off… but rubbish. It’s also the explanation for why General Grievous sounds like a French child molesting, asthmatic. He’s supposed to be a bad ass that kills Jedi and was giving the Republic a run for their money… but he just comes across as your average bungling Saturday morning cartoon villain. It’s easier imagining him facing off against Inspector Gadget than a Jedi.

The original trilogy really put some emphasis – and indeed, pretty much everything Obiwan tells Luke about his father is used to make the point – that Anakin Skywalker was a good guy who over a period of time was seduced by the power and lure of the Dark Side and became Darth Vader… This film pretty much takes that idea and tosses it out the window. One minute Anakin is ready to take down the Chancellor when he (AFTER THREE FILMS) works out he’s a Sith lord. Then all of a sudden, he’s cutting off Mace Windu’s hand, swearing allegiance to the Dark Side and rounding up younglings to slaughter. Looks like someone set this Anakin Skywalker from good to evil!

Except, it’s not as if one can ever really say he was good – last film he went and did a pretty good job of killing some kids too! Ok, granted last time it was because he was angry at the death of his mother and this time it was because Palpatine said “Yeah, go kill those little fuckers.” But that’s not exactly a fall, so much as maybe miss stepping because you thought there was an extra stair.

Lucas may be tacitly admitting that he phoned that part in by having Padme reiterate that this is all new and bad… Except it merely highlights the idiocy of all this because Padme knew that Anakin had killed kids and espoused dictatorship… not to mention just generally being petty and spiteful – oh and violating a bunch of Jedi codes by shagging her.

And all that’s FURTHER compounded – and by this point the contrivance is getting to such a level that it seems as if skill has actually be exerted to make it this idiotic and stupid – by the fact the only reason Anakin supposedly signed up with Palpatine was to save Padme… which he kind of tosses out the window when he FORCE CHOKES HER.

Then she LITERALLY dies of a broken heart. It’s almost as if they were taking bets to see how many horrible clichés they could use in the most literal sense for this film… What’s important though, is that this contradicts another established piece of continuity. Leia says she KNEW her mother… that seems a little unlikely if she dies all of 5 seconds after popping her babies out.

Regardless, Anakin and Obiwan have another poe-faced fight over lava – because hey, it’s just liquid rock at a few thousand degrees. It only hurts you if you touch it! For some reason having the high ground is a big deal to people who can jump around with no regard for the laws of physics… But, why doesn’t Obiwan finish off Anakin? It makes no sense. Maybe he doesn’t have the heart to finish Anakin off… but then, that doesn’t really make any sense as leaving him to burn to death with his arms and legs cut off seems infinitely more cruel… in fact, it just plain doesn’t make any sense. There is no logical reason for Obiwan to leave Anakin there. Furthermore, if Obiwan left him for dead in a horrific amount of pain – you’d kind of figure someone that gets ticked off by little things like the escape of the Millennium Falcon, would want to see Obiwan die long and slow.

The wrap up is really little more than an exercise in pushing the piece to where they need to be for the original trilogy to happen… but then, why even BOTHER with that if there’s going to be stuff like killing off Luke & Leia’s mother…

Summation:

In truth, there’s a lot to find fault with in the prequels on almost every level. From continuity with the original trilogy to basic logic to just plain horrible dialogue and acting. Even if one ignores the inherent betrayal of the originals that this amounts to, there’s little to recommend the films beyond the action set pieces.

The battles suffer from being little more than run of the mill CGI fests… these aren’t exactly special these days and there’s nothing to really recommend the Prequels battles beyond anything else. They’ve had more money thrown at them but they’re not particularly interesting and they include such futuristic tactics as “running directly at your enemy while shooting wildly”… no cover for these guys!

And in what way are these robots ANY threat to the Republic? It seems that Anakin and Obiwan could just hack through a million of them and really, the only thing at stake would be time. The only time it seems as if they’re actually capable of killing Jedi is in Episode 2 when they have people totally surrounded by them…

It’s rather sad that the prequels couldn’t even get the details right… yes, the pieces are pushed into place for the original trilogy but there’s just so many things that are unnecessary. Anakin BUILDS 3PO?! Anakin was the virgin birth? Anakin was the Chosen one of some prophecy?

Ok – those things COULD have been ok… but they were just dropped. They were all dead ends. Just loose ends, raised but never resolved. At best they’re just pointless ways to fill screen time – at worst, they’re terrible clangers that make no sense and detract from the overall mythos. Midichlorians being a PRIME example. One could scarcely ruin a mystical energy field more comprehensively than having it be tiny little things in your blood.

The choice to use Ewoks in Return of the Jedi, rather than Wookies was really just the start of Star Wars graduating wholly toward a demographic barely into double digits. The logical conclusion of this path being the new Clone Wars CGI fest but the facile and shallow nature of the Prequels… it’s hardly surprising that Lucas calls them kid’s films… that’s what he made them. Albeit a franchise which includes decapitations, incest, genocide and Jarjar Binks.

For anyone who had even passing interest in the Star Wars franchise before the prequels, it’s easy to see why people feel betrayed… there is something of an inherent danger to prequels. Unless they’re artfully planned, they’ll fail because they’re forced to either fit in between existing continuity or merely ride rough shod all over.

There are easy examples – like C3PO and Anakin – but there are more problematic ones… Most specifically, Anakin and Obiwan… Or possibly just to simplify it? Anakin… Really, didn’t everyone think this was going to be the tale of his fall from grace? It sure should have been.

That might have been a perfect situation… a teenage Anakin joins the Jedi order – his training rushed because of the Clone Wars… he’s reckless but his intentions are well founded… but slowly the power of the Dark Side beckons to him… a series of moral compromises that eventually lead him to fall from grace.

But no, we get a guy who is turned to the dark side essentially by Palpatine saying “Oh, go on – kill some irritating little kids!” Which in a single scene manages to accurately capture the hamfisted conception of the prequels… that or Qui Gonn dropping a clanger about midichlorians.

It all just goes to show, you can throw as much money you want at special effects but it’s all for naught if you haven’t got the writing to back it up, it’s not going to be anything more than a glut of explosions. Hollow cash ins that lessen everything that made the original trilogy good.

Hellboy 2 was never going to spend a whole lot of time in the lime light, sandwiched between a film that had been hyped for over a year... and one that had been hyped since the instant its predecessor hit the box offices... Even The Incredible Hulk dwarfed Hellboy 2 in terms of presence...

So, Hellboy 2 was always going to have to take a stand against the box office monsters of Ironman and Batman on merit, rather than marketing and hype... which seems rather a shame because it doesn't really compare favourably to any of these films... That's not to say it's bad - there's some visuals in this that are far too original and funky to make their way into the far more mainstream of Marvel and DC films - and that's part of the charm of the film.

Sadly though, it doesn't really grab the attention... The Bureau comes off as MiB on a shoestring... and whether that's true to the comic or not, it doesn't feel particularly compelling. In fact, that's the entire problem with the film. The world is in danger... but that danger never feel particularly pressing. Abe falls in love... but it's never particularly evocative... Hellboy feels torn about trying to defend a world that doesn't love him but who cares... even he doesn't seem to spend more than a few minutes on it... ditto

And it's not really helped that they telegraph the ending... Was there any necessity to have as LITERALLY the first scene in the film being the one that explains how the good guys are going to win... ok, it means that we don't have someone just going "Oh, I know how we can win." out of the blue but... eh, it just means that there's the gratuitous action scene before the final fight... and no particular reason for it.

The visuals are the strength... but the story is weak and it's far too much of the generic A to B to C stuff... which is probably why it's rather unengaging... that and it tries to cover a multitude of topics in a rather short space of time and so, never covers them with sufficient depth that one might actually be interested. It seems like a classic case of numerous ideas having been pitched and rather than thinning them out and just working on a few, they just all got tossed in and everyone hoped it would work.

It's enjoyable enough for a comic book film but not really that good compared to its mainstream rivals.

It's likely that Robert Heinlein's RPM is probably sufficiently high that his grave could alleviate the energy crisis the world is currently in... and doubtless, if he were able to see the latest sorry chapter in the film franchise that bears little resemblance to his seminal/controversial novel penned a half century ago - it's entirely probable the energy output would be similar to that of the Sun.

The film based Starship Troopers has sought to portray the regime of the Terran Federation as utterly fascist - ruthlessly executing dissenters, opposing religion and having practically no regard for either its civilians or those that serve. These have been considerably expanded upon in the 2nd two films. The 2nd - and utterly dire film, which presumably exists to make this one look better by comparison - one showed us the Mobile Infantry as merely "meat for the grinder"... which given the laughable tactics and horribly ineffective weapons they're given, seems fitting - and about a million miles away from the exceptionally well equipped, well trained and exceptionally effective MI that Heinlein conceived of - and effectively created/popularised the idea of power armour and even predicted the direction of military tactics in the real world.

The third film is somewhat more political than the previous incarnations... whereas their message of a fascist state with no real regard for human life was merely something that was mere mentioned in passing, here we have something going out of the way to make the point. Several scenes have character condemning those that don't "do their" part and the propaganda/news clips are where one can see the likes of Fox News being in about 10-15 years time in their unremittingly right wing agenda, with little apparent regard for whatever facts might happen to be in the way. It's so over the top that it actually passes through the overblown satire - which the first film did so well - and passes into eye rolling and indifference.

The film starts with the defence of some farm planet - the war is still ongoing... and the Bugs have bred some new species to help in their efforts to exterminate humanity. Apparently this is the "frontline" in the war... it's not made clear how, exactly. Apparently we have to take their word on it. Johnny Rico - clearly the actor fell on hard times - is hanging out there to defend it. One of his former comrades comes along - now a general - is there and so is the Sky Marshal... he's the head honcho, if you'd forgotten.

Johnny and his old pal go to the bar for a few drinks with T'Pol. There are a couple of hick farmers there who are bemoaning the fact the Federation are there, saving them from being bug chow - also, for some reason everyone is now referring to the bug as "Archie". Why is never explained... "BUUUUUGS!" seemed to work better... is it some kind of reference to the fact the Americans called the Viet-Cong "Charlie"? We may never know. As you'd expect with hick farmers shooting their mouths off in a bar, things end up with a brawl...

Long story short, something goes wrong - the colony is over-run. Johnny is blamed but avoids a court martial to go off on a super secret mission that means he'll only really come back in the last 5 minutes... He's going to work on the film's namesake MARAUDER!

The Skymarshal heads up to his ship in orbit, they somehow get hit while at warp and have to abandon ship. Naturally, we follow T'Pol and the Skymarshal as they crash onto a big ol' generic desert planet - it does have a sea but all we really see is the desert. There's no time for a rendition of "we do like to be beside the seaside" because the twitchy chef - whose chances of survival are about the same as him winning the lottery - sees a bug.

For some reason, despite the fact they're supposedly all members of the military, discipline and the chain of command instantly breaks down. The cook is jittery, the Sky Marshal's aide turns out to be a religious nut (which is illegal, remember)... the big dumb strong guy isn't taking orders, neither is the doctor... and the Sky Marshal is out to lunch... Looks like it's T'Pol's job to hold it together.

She decides to move away from the escape pod - the merits of this plan are debatable. You're in a big ol' desert... here you've got a defensible position, you'd be passing that up to... what, wander around on a barren enemy infested planet? Kind of makes you think they should have taken some marines with them instead of the flotsam and jetsam with the most important man in the Federation.

Or is he? Johnny's friend Dix finds that a distress message from the Sky Marshal was classified. Although, he shouldn't be surprised as he saw the admiral that did it impersonate him to deliver a speech... anyway, turns out she has thought that the Sky Marshal has been compromised by the brain bug they captured and now believes the "brain of brains" to be God... so yes, he's gone batshit crazy.

As you can guess, things don't go so well in the desert. The doctor confesses the Sky Marshal has gone off the deep end - as if you need a medical opinion, when the guy starts spouting about God all of a sudden and how he had a jolly nice chat with him. Shortly after this, the doc falls down a hole... then the twitchy chef meets his end... The CGI of the bugs here is absolutely DIRE, it's at times worse than the CGI cartoon... if they weren't spending the budget on the script or actors or effects... what WERE they spending it on?

The Sky Marshal reveals to his remaining compatriots that God is the bug "brain of brains" and that he's going to make peace with it... by which he obviously means, spill his guts about the disposition of human forces and lead to their total destruction... so in other words, a bad thing. Which is all related to us by the uber-brain itself... sigh. Fortunately the agony is almost over. Johnny Rico turns up in some mechs that he stole from Command & Conquer and amazingly they're actually effective against the bugs - there's a first time for everything... they save T'Pol and her bible bashing friend - both of them praying like they mean it, in possibly the most idiotic religious conversion scene ever.

They blow up the uberbrain by destroying the planet... religion is adopted because the Admiral observes that it's a good way to instil mindless obedience - pretty cynical, eh?

It's fair to say, it's not as awful as the previous instalment - their guns actually shoot something more threatening than blinking lights and the characters aren't walking personifications of every war film cliché ever... however, at least that film was actually a cohesive effort... a fucking awful one that probably could induce brain damage but it was a film that knew where it was going.

Starship Troopers 3 wants to do a whole bunch of things... but it doesn't really succeed in any of them. The religion angle is laughable - T'Pol converts to religion because the bible basher tells her to pray... uhuh. Given her utter contempt for religion before that, it seems fairly stupid. Especially as she's saved by Johnny Rico in his C&C brand mechs.

It seems conceivable that these "Marauders" are a doth of the cap to the original concept of the Mobile Infantry using power armour but really, it seems a bit late in the day to be worrying about the vision of Heinlein... because he'd likely be so outraged by the senseless idiocy of the first film, he'd have no inclination to see the others unless it was for a massive law suit... And in any case, these are more mini-mechs than true powered armour and their "strategy" is essentially "stand in a line and shoot the hell out of everything"... so, it's not as if mobility is a huge factor... they might as well have sent in moving pill boxes.

And of course, there's the Fox...uh, Federation News Network... espousing the death of "peace terrorists"... it really does go past satire to just trying so hard to hammer home a point that it's insulting. Yes - they're fascists who hate free speech and demonise people who exercise free thought an execute any who question the war or the Federation.

All in all - a car crash that should be avoided at all costs... there's nothing here for anyone. Not the sci-fi fan, not the action fan... not even fans of the original film. Even intoxicated, this makes for difficult viewing.

Gotham Knight - or the Batmanamatrix, in reference to the notion it emulates the Animatrix, referencing the same continuity but ultimately being of little true consequence to the film that precedes or succeeds it - is the newly released Batman animation.

The six stories told are without a great deal of overlap... being as they are, simply set in the interim between the end of the last film and before the beginning of the Dark Knight... suffice to say that while the style varies between them that the animation is all of a suitably high quality - although, it's rather strange to see the slightly different realisations of Batman and Bruce Wayne, as they're all voiced by the same voice actor.

The stories vary considerably - from Batman testing out a magical bullet shield (which is fortunately one of the shorter stories and where Batman quickly rejects the device), to Batman saving cops from a mobster shoot out all the way through to Batman and Deadshot facing off. The Animatrix seemed to flounder because of it's different directors and styles... and the Animatrix was essentially just a way for the Wachoski Brother's to introduce the irritating hero-worshipping Kid and explain how Zion was aware of the Machine's digging.

Gotham Knight doesn't have any stories that are facilitated by a particular plot need. They're presumably just what the writers thought would be cool... and it works and even if you find one of the stories dragging a bit, you've always got the prospect of another one just around the corner... all in all, an excellent way to whet the appetite for the new Batman.